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F​.​U. 2016

by Steve Goodie

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1.
Dick Heads 02:27
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Dick heads dick heads, stupid clueless dick heads Dick heads dick heads, blissfully dumb Dick heads dick heads, douche-y dufus dick heads Dick heads dick heads, mentally numb In the fast lane, texting weaving dick heads Then in Starbucks, holding up the line Dick heads dick heads, imbecilic dick heads Dick heads dick heads, buckets of scum Ask a dick head anything you want to He won't answer, he's looking at his phone Dick heads dick heads, thoughtless witless dick heads Dick heads dick heads, is this what we've become I took a dick head out to see a movie Didn't really enjoy it cause she talked the whole time Dick heads dick heads, inconsiderate dick heads Dick heads dick heads, awfully dumb They don't read novels, they don't have manners They're not good tippers, they don't play scrabble Dick heads dick heads, hiding money in the Cayman Islands Dick heads dick heads, they're a bunch of self-important bastards Stupid douche-y dick heads are never seen at the checkout counter paying for their purchases in an efficient and timely manner, yeah Dick heads dick heads, stupid clueless dick heads Dick heads dick heads, blissfully dumb Dick heads dick heads, blocking legislation Dick heads dick heads, ignorant scum Dick heads dick heads, hunting endangered rhinos Dick heads dick heads, arrogant and dumb Dick heads dick heads, douche-y dufus dick heads Dick heads dick heads, voting for Trump
2.
The Weird Al Country Medley 03:07
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How come you're always such a fussy young man Don't want no Cap'n Crunch don't want no raisin bran Well don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan So eat it, don't you tell me you're full Just eat it, eat it, get yourself an egg and beat it Have a banana, have a whole bunch, it doesn't matter what you had for lunch, just eat it Well I'm yelling and we're playing, but I don't know what I'm saying What's the message I'm conveying, can you tell me what I'm saying, no! I'm going to the hardware store People say I'm a geek, a moronic little freak An annoying pipsqueak with an unfortunate physique But the Frenchies think that my poop don't stink, I'm a genius in France Talk with your mouth full, bite the hand that feeds you, bite off more than you can chew Dare to be stupid, dare to be stupid, dare to be stupid, dare to be stupid And another comes on and another comes on, another one rides the bus Hey, I'm gonna sit by you, another one rides the bus I just can't understand it, why won't you return my phone calls Are you still mad I gave a mohawk to your cat Oh Melanie, what can the problem be Sweet Melanie, why won't you go out with me I'm driving a truck, driving a big old truck, pedal to the metal hope I don't run out of luck Wearin' feather boas with sequins and chiffon, driving a truck with my high heels on Everybody shut up! Okay here's the deal, I'll try to educate ya Gonna familiarize you with the nomenclature You'll learn the definitions of nouns and prepositions Literacy is your mission, so that's why I think it's a good time And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye Merry Christmas y'all, now you're all gonna die The night Santa went crazy, the night St. Nick went insane Realized he'd been getting a raw deal, something finally must have snapped in his brain I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed But remember if you kill him then you'll be unemployed Oh my Yoda, yo yo yo ya yoda, yo yo you ya yoda They see me mowing my front lawn, I know that they're thinking I'm too white and nerdy Think I'm just too white and nerdy, think I'm just too white and nerdy Can't you see I'm white and nerdy, look at me I'm white and nerdy Think I'm just too white and nerdy, think I'm just too white and nerdy OMG I'm white and nerdy, look at me I'm white and nerdy
3.
I Wanna Eat a Big Piece of Cheese 01:22
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I wanna eat a big piece of cheese A big piece of cheese, dipped in antifreeze I wanna eat a big piece of cheese Right before bed I really enjoy gastric reflux Gastric reflux, and barbecued ducks I really enjoy gastric reflux And waking up choking and panicking Cheese before bed gives me really weird dreams Like I'm in the Philippines, living on soup and jelly beans Cheese before bed gives me really weird dreams About ducks and Anthony Hopkins and oatmeal Oatmeal is a poor substitute for spackle Substitute for spackle, or Vietnamese Scrabble Oatmeal is a poor substitute for spackle But it's slightly more tasty I wanna eat a big bowl of spackle A big bowl of spackle, at the Mormon Tabernacle I wanna eat a big bowl of spackle With raisins and turnips and drywall screws I wrote this song in the Buffalo airport In the Buffalo airport, and it's too late to abort I wrote this song in the Buffalo airport When Northwest lost my luggage I'm really gonna miss my Harry Potter toothbrush My Harry Potter toothbrush, though I don't use it all that much I'm really gonna miss my Harry Potter toothbrush And my mint flavored Voldemort floss I liked the books way better than the movies Better than the movies, which can kiss my booty I liked the books way better than the movies Cause too much got left out I wanna eat a huge piece of cheese A huge piece of cheese, all covered in fleas I wanna eat a huge piece of cheese And puke it on that kid who keeps screaming
4.
The Year the Big-Mouth Asshole Fucking Won 04:04
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It was the year of Rio Olympics And Zika bugs and selfie sticks When the GOP they picked a prick Fifty years ago, I tell ya son That was the year the big-mouth asshole won I know it's hard to fathom now How he got his little hands on the white house When he casually told his angry white crowd I'll pay for your lawyer, now go beat up someone Yeah, that was the year the big-mouth asshole won That's right, he won, yeah he took it all Even while the Ku Klux Klan endorsed him, y'all He thought using nukes was a top-notch option Yeah, somehow that year the big-mouth asshole won Yeah he denied the fact that he'd Filed bankruptcy after bankruptcy On casinos for the love of pete We saw his amazing business acumen The year the big-mouth orange asshole won He worked the crowd like a con-man Kept his words small just like his hands Doubling down when questioned and Giving no apology or retraction Cause it was the year the big-mouth orange asshole won Somehow he won, yeah he took it all The year we heard them screaming, build that wall It was a particularly tough year to be a Muslim American Cause it was the year the big-mouth asshole won First he stood for this, then he stood for that Like a registered Republicrat He called women whores and gross and fat And he promised punishments for abortions And still somehow that year the big-mouth asshole won In the land of willful illiteracy We learned the word oligarchy And also demagoguery And open unwashed blatant racism Still, somehow that year the big-mouth asshole won Somehow he won, yeah he took it all But this thin-skinned emperor has no balls We started to envy the North Koreans The year the big-mouth asshole fucking won And according to Sean Hannity, the zombie scandal at Benghazi Was Hillary's fault entirely, so it really didn't hurt that she Was as disliked as Donald T., as he riled up society So sure that he and only he could come up with yuuuuge solutions The year the big-mouth asshole fucking won We thought it was all wrapped up for her All the votes were cast, and our voices heard We thought we'd flushed that mouthy turd Then everybody blamed someone They blamed Jill Stein and Gary Johnson And the DNC for making Hillary the one As we spun ever closer to the sun The year the big-mouth narcissistic, xenophobic, misogynistic, megalomaniacal, morally and fiscally bankrupt, bullying, bigoted, selfish, ignorant, conceited, moronic, ugly, egomaniacal, carnivorous, domineering, patronizing, macho, flabby, cheap, constipated, homicidal, barbaric, thoughtless, useless, tasteless, freeloading, pre pubescent, sexually-frustrated, short-sighted, dim-witted, money-hungry, pussy-grabbing, donut-eating, couch-sitting, gas-passing, pedophile asshole... Fucking won
5.
Dumb Americans 04:34
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It was the year 2-0-1-6 when it went down, it went south Celebrity lives were crumbling, way way too young David Bowie left us then and there, very first thing, back in January And then it seemed that, out of nowhere, the Donald started winning everything, and Oh Christ, we are some dumb Americans Dumb Americans, dumb Americans, we are some dumb Americans Alt-right, we are some dumb Americans We veered right into Iowa and New Hampshire Then we heard that Prince was gone Then Donald knocked out Bush Carson and Christie, meanwhile we lost Muhammed Ali And as we freaked out over his hype and his bragging And we learned about his little hands Dear Gene Wilder got swooped right along And then we all cried when George Martin was gone And oh Christ, we are some dumb Americans Kind of arrogant, so embarrassin', we are some dumb Americans Alt-right, we are some dumb Americans Do you remember, old president Nixon Do you remember the ills he brought our way We're back to yesterday He's a Kim Jong Un-American, and without Severus Snape to guide us Believing smears and rumors and lies, who cares if the Kremlin compromises us Nyet nyet nyet, there's no Russian aggression You're just blinded by your mass depression Without Mrs. Brady we make lousy decisions, and R2D2 isn't in remission And now Zsa Zsa is gone, and goodbye to Leonard Cohen But why'd we have to elect this dope, just because our hearts are broken and Oh Christ, we are some dumb Americans We lost Garry Shandlin', and Merle Haggard and, we are some dumb Americans Alt-right, we are some dumb Americans He's just a pimp and he's just a hustler He's filling the swamp with his billionaire monsters Denying climate-change, and grabbing all of the wealth and Taking charity money buying paintings of himself, yeah I read fake news today, oh boy We got beat in a stunning defeat Rich white man says whatever he wants Brags about grabbing ladies by the… birth canal Really doesn't matter if he always gets busted She erased some emails, so she can't be trusted See how you feel when medicare is gone And all because we had to go and tell… Princess Leia and her mom goodbye... Oh Christ, we are some dumb Americans Kind of arrogant, so embarrassin', we are some dumb Americans Alt-right, we are some dumb Americans I want John Glenn back, I want Glenn Frye, and Jose Fernandez Oh my God, hang on Betty White Too many, too many gone We lost Leon Russell, we lost Ron Glass, and George Michael, WHAM they're all gone Growing Pains hurt, dammit… and that's not right, it's not right, it's not right alt-right We are some dumb Americans
6.
Shit Shower and Shave 02:44
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I know we must be dashing in a last-minute fashion my dear So I will give you a preview of how little I need to do to get out of here I don't have a clue what other girls do They take over an hour or two, I'd rather spend it with you Instead of in the loo, cause all I gotta do is Shit, shower, and shave Shit, shower, and shave Shit, shower, and shave to start my day and I'll be on my way You don't want me dirty, you don't want me late Give me less than thirty babe, and I can look like I took all day Cause all I gotta do is Shit, shower, and shave Shit, shower, and shave Shit, shower, and shave to start my day and I'll be on my way I'm low-maintenance, very nice to make your acquaintance Other bitches keep your clock ticking While we'd already be on the road tripping Shit, shower, and shave Shit, shower, and shave baby Shit, shower, and shave to start my day and I'll be on my way So let's be on our way So let's be on our way
7.
Cheat Sheets 02:38
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She married a jerk, a mean little twerp He stares at all the other girls, and don't care about her He's such an idiot, taking her for granted He hasn't even noticed this new dude she's landed She hasn't cheated like this since final exams at school Now she's studying up how to play this fool She lays out the cheat sheets On the bed around 3 pm She has a quick little quickie, things get a little icky Then she switches em back again She says most of the commandments are really suggestions And breaking vows is an age old tradition and Hell she's practically a politician When she pulls out the cheat sheets She's learned to live a double life Cause she's prepared to pay The price of some extra detergent To wash out some extra dna She says baby eighty thread count is more than enough Cause these days she says she likes it rough She lays out the cheat sheets On her reinforced bed frame They do the horizontal mambo And then the wash of shame Now I'm not sayin' I'm against role-playin' But who are you foolin' with all your canoodlin' If you're a-sinnin', at least change the linen Bust out the cheat sheets She's gotta cover her tracks, playing doubles in the sack She's got them both by the short hairs, cause they're everywhere She lays out the cheat sheets Yeah she got them second hand On the afternoon of her wedding From the damn best man She likes to keep things nice and neat Her whips and chains and cuffs and cleats Her collars, clamps, and studded leash Cause she's the one in charge, capiche? She's got the cheat sheets Yeah she's got the cheat sheets She's got the cheat sheets
8.
Blue Bayoobs 02:42
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When you're a smurf with a dirty mind Feeling naughty all the time Much too short to catch anyone's eye What can a blue dude do Giant ladies just pass you by Cause you're only three apples high And you're the color of the summer sky Oh blue hoo hoo hoo That's why the Smurf boys say, Smurfette can I play With your blue bayoobs I can see in your eyes, you don't care about size Extra small will do It's been a long long time, and some parts of mine Might turn a deeper blue So what do you say, you let me play With your blue bayoobs Popeye has lovely Olive Oyl Homer has Marge for his girl And Wilma's loincloth makes Fred soil His yabba dabba do But this a cute kids' cartoon This is not fifty shades of blue Stop thinking 'bout Smurfette's wazoo What is wrong with you Still the Smurf boys say, Smurfette can I play With your blue bayoobs You're the only girl is this cartoon world I hope you're in the mood I brought a tube of bloob, it's this new blue lube That I bought from Scooby Doo So what do you say, you let me play With your blue bayoobs I brought carnations for you, hoping for a view Of your two blue bayoobs
9.
Downtown 03:36
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If you're older like me, the new vocabulary Is quite a mystery, what's downtown? Young adults use these terms, like garages and worms They're all Greek to me, and what is downtown? They take a lame pickup line, and they find a brand new way to ask it Like girl I wonder how can I get inside your goodie basket Oh nice, subtle, well everyone knows 20-somethings have their own lexicon So I can't understand, what the hell's going on, when they're going Downtown, what do they mean by that Downtown, exploring the cabbage patch Downtown, and what's Notorious VAG They keep changing this stuff, I can never keep up With all these epithets, like downtown No you may not leave this house, to meet some trouser mouse From the internet, young lady, downtown We gotta learn these nasty terms that they just toss about Like the itsy bitsy spider's gonna climb your shrouded spout Okay, what the hell is that? I have no idea what anybody is saying And they call me a grandpa, say I got no game What is downtown, everyone knows but me Downtown, so help me urban dictionary Downtown, why would that boy want an easy bake oven? In twenty years they'll understand my elderly frustration These kids today they think that they invented copulation Such attitude Cause I don't know the words, I get millennial scorn But I was banging your mom years before you were born Took her to pound town, oh have I embarrassed you? Downtown, flicked the little guy in the canoe Pound town, we got freaky and funky, went Downtown, gave a banana to the monkey Pound town, teaching the boys to swim Downtown, yes your mom went full Lewinski Downtown, she was cleaning my gun when it accidentally went off if you know what I mean
10.
He Ain't Breathing 03:09
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I was doing some dumpster diving When I heard the couple across the way fighting I ducked down so they wouldn't know I heard When apparently she got the last word I think she stabbed him! She tagged him and bagged him and dragged him outside Heaved him in the dumpster to gather flies Now with all the slim jims and bottles of brew Suddenly this dumpster had seating for two He was dead, and I held his hand Couldn't believe she walked away from this perfect man I'd been single for so long and dammit, this was my chance He ain't breathin', but he's all mine Room for improvement, but otherwise he's fine She got the best years of his life, and I got eternity No he ain't breathin', but he's everything to me I make him dinner, he's never late He loves my cooking, though he can't masticate That's a fancy word for chewing, which he ain't really doing Cause his face is stuck Eat them taters baby… open up for the airplane! He's my snuggle buddy, we hold cold hands As we watch Frozen over and over again My parents hate him, they blow up my phone But he's my stinky dinky, they tell me let it go, let it go He ain't breathin', but he's all mine Room for improvement, but otherwise he's fine He'll never knock me up, he'll never lie or cheat No he ain't breathin', it's better than a vasectomy The only good guy is a dead guy That's what Nana would always say Who could be more loyal, than a guy who's passed away We like BDSM, he's so into submission And these days I get to pick every position Our love is so uncommon, now I'm studying embalmin' Now when we do it, who gets to inject who with fluids? Like magic he's always ready to go, abracadabra He should be the poster boy for viagara The neighbors might complain about the noise and report us But there's no little pill that keeps you stiff like, rigor mortis If your erection lasts more than four years, consult your mortician He ain't breathin', but he's all mine Room for improvement, but otherwise he's fine She got the best years of his life, and I got eternity No he ain't breathin', but he's everything to me He's my expiration date No he ain't breathin', OMG! RIP! Necrophilia's only a felony in seventeen states, right?
11.
Oh Darn It 03:26
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Made a big mistake letting you go I can't do my own laundry so I'm commando You defragged my hard drive and fixed my mac You unstuck the zipper on my backpack But now you've gone and woe is me I can't do a thing for myself you see Can't find my keys where can they be And one more thing is really driving me crazy There's a hole in my sock that can only be fixed by you I've tried staples and thumbtacks and velcro and Elmer's glue Oh darn it, please darn it I can't even butter my bread I'll never figure out needle and thread This hole's so big my toe sticks through Yeah when I get sweaty, it sticks to my shoe I miss your kiss and your company But mostly I miss the things you did for me Like the way you repaired my PS3 And you put the seat up when I need to pee Now there's a hole in my sock that can only be fixed by you I'm a poor helpless guy with no clue what I'm supposed to do There's a hole in my sock that can only be fixed by you I've tried rivets and spackle and three kinds of gorilla glue Oh darn it, oh darn it Oh darn it, oh darn it Oh darn it Please darn it, please darn it
12.
Steve's Harry Potter Medley 00:59
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Ever since I've been at Hogwarts… You're a magician… I felt so doomed… Probably dead meat… In that goblet of fire… Oh, Dudley's… Under my cloak… I can't wait… Rowling must deliver… Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be… Malfoy, Malfoy… Hermione's a pretty nice girl but she's got an awful lot to say… Yeah, just like a best friend should… Soaring up above the school… Avada Kedrava… Snape's after you Dumbledore… I can't wait… All I ever do is act Pottery… I am the horcrux… So I let him kill me… Umbridge bloody… I'm going, yes I'm going… She's Harry's girl… Dobby can you hear… Harry, Harry...
13.
Nina 01:32
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Well I wrote a little song about Harry Potter And it struck a big chord with Al Yankovic's daughter That was a few years back, I'm sure she's moved on But for a little while there, I was the bomb Oh Nina, oh Nina, I have yet to meet ya But according to your weird old man, you're a big old fan of mine And that is so cool! Oh Nina, oh Nina, sure your dad's a genius But Dumbledore beats a hardware store every time Wouldn't you agree? Yeah, me too! Well I really wanted you to hear this song It's only one minute twenty-seven seconds long So at the risk of being sent to a sanitorium I went backstage at the Ryman Auditorium To give it to your dad, to pass on to you Oh Nina, oh Nina, I wanted to thank you by tweetin' ya But that would be creepy, so instead I wrote you a song Much more appropriate Oh Nina, oh Nina, you and your Mom and Dad and Sandy and Dina Are the coolest little family ever, like, awesome And I bet you have the bestest house in all of California, cause I bet it's got... Suits of armor, moving stairs, and ghosts who wander everywhere and Talking pictures, headless knights, and trouble-making poltergeists and Maps that know where people are, and fighting trees and flying cars and Dinner plates that show up full, and cloaks that are invisible... And 15,000 Hawaiian shirts (Thanks Dad) and YOU... NINA! You are the very coolest And by the way, I'm available to play bat mitzvahs... and weddings!
14.
The Twit in Twitter 02:16
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It's really hard to write songs about Donald... because nothing rhymes with... orange I've done dumb things with my smart phone When it's 3 am and I'm all alone Like texting some exes, while leasing a Lexus On two phones at once, because I'm ambidextrous I'm tweeting and swiping, snap chatting and skyping Then dumping my data, straight down the crapp-a But there's one dumb thing I've never done And that's tweet us all into oblivion Oh the whole world shivers when the Donald twitters From his golden shitter in the sky He's blowing up the nation, from an undisclosed location A one-sided conversation, at the speed of spite He's a big fat womanizer, full of fertilizer Yeah the Donald puts the twit in Twitter And he's scaring the twit out of me It's 3:15 in the morning… and... He's tweeting a zinger, to a popular singer Straight from his sphincter, on a shiny new phone He's tweeting us inta, nuclear winta With itty bitty fingers, is this guy stoned? Little thumbs are scootin', while he's convolutin' The constitution, and sexting with Putin Oh Vladmir my dear… how I wish you were here You're my big strong puppeteer, does this make us… comrades? Da. Oh, da! Da da da da DA DA DA DA! That was HUUUUGE! Oh the whole world shivers when the Donald twitters From his golden shitter in the sky He's blowing up the nation, from an undisclosed location A one-sided conversation, at the speed of spite He's a mental Lilliputian With overly simple solutions (that Mexico is gonna pay for) Yeah the Donald puts the twit in Twitter And he's scaring the twit out of me Cause I'm a whiny butt-hurt snowflake libtard… He's scaring the twit out of me
15.
I Love My Job 02:04
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I love I love I love I love my job job job And I will never ever ever leave it I love I love I love I love my job job job And I'll keep saying it… till I believe it I love to work, I love to work, I love to work work work I love the man who hired me, that stinky stupid jerk I love my stupid cubicle, and zero privacy And I really love my co-workers who live to bother me I love the office coffee, it's a special vomit brew I love the office copier, from 1982 I love to park a mile away, when I pull an all-night-ah And someone tell me what the hell is FICA I love I love I love I love my job job job And I will never ever ever leave it I love I love I love I love my job job job And I'll keep saying it… till I believe it I teach the latest software to the elderly And then I train the youngsters who'll take my job from me My computer is so ancient that it has a floppy drive And Windows 95 I love the office restroom, it's always squeaky clean I wave and wave and beg the stupid paper-towel machine The motion-sensor faucet works so perfectly – not And the toilet likes to flush mid-squat I love I love I love I love my job job job And I will never ever ever leave it I love I love I love I love my job job job And I'll keep saying it… till I believe it In the elevator I tell a naughty joke I offend a twenty-something, turns out she's the CEO So I'm scrubbing her Mercedes, and smooching up her rear Ten more years till pension, and I am OUT of here I love to go to Staples where I pay for post-it notes I love that I could die right here and nobody would know Everyone's a corporate slacking whining millennial And I'd quit – but I just don't have the genitals I love I love I love I love my job job job And I will never ever ever leave it I love I love I love I love my job job job And I'll keep saying it… till I believe it

about

Well, that year sure sucked. And as 2017 is just beginning, I have no way of knowing if it'll be any better. I get the feeling that it will be much, much worse. But we shall see. Either that, or really gross. Proceed with caution.

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released January 1, 2017

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Steve Goodie Nashville, Tennessee

For as long as songwriters and musicians have been plying their creative wares, it's been understood that music is a funny business. For comedian/songwriter Steve Goodie, a slight twist might be more apt: "Funny is a music business."

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