Get all 37 Steve Goodie releases available on Bandcamp and save 30%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of How 'Bout Another (Bunch Of) Dumb Song(s) From Steve For No Reason?, AL! The Weird Al Tribute and How Daniel Radcliffe Got Mixed Up in All This Nonsense, Top Ten Songs That Steve Has Come Up With Since His Last CD (plus 6 more!), What I Did Over My Pandemic Vacation, A Kvetchmas Carol, Admit You've Got a Bald Spot, Vampire's Ball: Ultimate Halloween Party, I Am Terribly Important, and 29 more.
1. |
Groceries
01:29
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2. |
Holidays/Family
04:17
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3. |
The Zoo
01:17
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4. |
Frosty the Snowman
00:37
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5. |
Commercials
02:02
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6. |
Housekeeping
02:19
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7. |
Skipper
00:45
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8. |
No Sweat, Etc.
02:08
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9. |
Golf
01:41
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10. |
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Bill and Joanne have been married a year
And they've made arguing a second career
He says they're okay, she says they're just fine
They just happen to spend some loud quality time
I can't believe you told everybody this outfit makes my butt look big!
Like they wouldn't notice!
They go to a wedding and just for fun
They show the newlyweds just how it's done
On Valentine's Day she points out his toupee
Bill says there's nothing like PMS every day
A funeral or Christmas party suits them all right
They wait for occasions to have a big fight
They don't do this at home, it's just publicity
Special occasion, special occasion
Well you know they only fight occasionally
Stop looking at the waitress.
I'm trying to order dinner, okay?
Oh, you always say that!
Joanne took the stereo out of Bill's car
So Bill reprogrammed Joanne's VCR
Joanne numbered Bill's faults, she made a whole list
We heard all about it at their son's bris
And my mother is moving in.
Not into my house.
Where do you think, the garage?
Where are you going to sleep?
Will they make up, I don't think they can
Not the way that jerk has been treating Joanne
Can they ever get along, I don't think they will
Not if that bitch keeps on nagging at Bill
Over in Spain when they have the bulls run
Or watching the total eclipse of the sun
They're a very very vocal minority
Special occasion, special occasion
Cause you know they only fight occasionally
We're getting rid of your cat!
And your bowling ball!
And your damn dog!
I don't have a dog - that's my mother!
It's so embarrassing, and they do this every time
I take it you bought stock in mastercard!
He always yells, she always whines
Take me to Miami!
Oh, that's original.
And we're learning so much more than we really want to know
She has a tattoo on her butt, his sperm count is low
is low
Joanne says all he likes to do is get drunk and hunt
alcoholic
Bill takes another drink and he calls her a... name
They go to a party and they have it out
From across the room we can all hear them shout
They air it out in public for everyone to see
Special occasion, special occasion
You know they only fight occasionally
You know I never would have married you if I'd known
you were going to blow up like a house!
Well it's the only house you'll ever have!
Hey, at least I've got a job!
You don't have a job - you work at a convenience store!
Well it's more than you do all day long! At least I make
enough money to buy you a mink coat!
My mother bought me a mink coat!
Well I would have bought the coat but your brother lost all
my money on that investment deal!
That is it! I'm moving back in with mother!
You know they only fight occasionally
On Groundhog's Day she lets us know he's a jerk
You know they only fight occasionally
On the 4th of July they drown out the fireworks
You know they only fight occasionally
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11. |
Closet Heterosexual
03:14
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I met a girl, she played the saxophone
I told her I loved her, she told me to leave her alone
She played in one of those bars where men didn't come
I came anyway, I was just looking for fun
She said that she didn't like men
She said she was a lesbian
Now her friends said it was cool, some said it was mod
Some even called it avant garde
But I didn't care, I kept hanging out
She got one of the bouncers to come kick me out
Now the bouncer was mean, a three-day beard on the face
Six foot three, her name was Grace
But I didn't care, I couldn't take the hint
Because I was completely convinced
She was a closet heterosexual, I know that she really liked me
Closet heterosexual, heterophobic as can be
Closet heterosexual, I know that she really liked men
Closet heterosexual, cause being a lesbian was in
Well I came back unrecognized
Cause I was wearing a disguise
The saxophone player she had that look in her eyes
She bought me a drink and then she listened to my lies
She came home with me, but she wasn't what she seemed
Cause oh what a mess, under that dress my princess was a queen
Out of the closet heterosexual, he thought that I really liked men
Back in the closet heterosexual, too many roosters, not enough hens
Closet heterosexual, he ran out the door, and that was okay with me
Closet heterosexual, he threatened my masculinity
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12. |
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I had to get to Nashville, I was driving through the night
Coming in from Mobile, I stopped in for a bite
My ex-wife had my money, but I needed to be fed
I had to cut some corners, or I wouldn't have been caught dead
In a Waffle House, particularly in Alabama
It'd been one year since she left me, and today had been kind of rough
It was a special anniversary, of the day she took all my stuff
I was looking at the menu, and the lovely pictures there
The waitress said "Welcome to Waffle House, can I take your order?"
And I looked up and stared at my ex-wife, working in a Waffle House
In a Waffle House in Alabama
I just sat and stared and stammered
Revenge don't come much sweeter than that
I wasn't quite good enough for her
And now she's cleaning up for sure
Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat
She realized it was me, she knew she couldn't run
I just smiled and thought to myself, "This could be fun"
I said, "How's your friend, you know, that big old biker"
She said they'd broken up, as she wiped off the formica
In the Waffle House in Alabama
I said, "You're looking well, do you make some good tips?"
Her look told me to go to hell, but not a word passed from her lips
So I ordered me a waffle, and some coffee and some juice
And I thought, "I'm glad the Waffle House has found some kind of use
For my ex-wife." Cause I sure couldn't
In a Waffle House in Alabama
Wishing to hell I had my camera
Revenge don't come much sweeter than that
She left me for another lover
Now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and covered
Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat
Soon after she'd taken it all and split
It seems that biker ran off with it
Now she's frying up bacon, serving up spam
To truckers and bikers in Birmingham
"You want grits with that?"
I felt a little sorry for her, just the teeniest bit
And I figured I should leave her, a real nice tip
So I got me a napkin, and I proceeded to write
"Next time don't leave a good man for a looser with a bike
or you'll end up..."
In a Waffle House in Alabama
You got what you deserve goddam ya
Revenge don't come much sweeter than that
Her brand new lover took all her junk
Now she's serving 'em scattered, smothered, and chunked
Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat
Wearing that stylish apron and a paper hat
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13. |
Boneheads on My TV
03:31
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There's boneheads on my TV
Ah-ooh
Boneheads talking to me
Ah-ooh
Their numbers have grown so fast
Who gave them license to broadcast
There's boneheads on my TV
Ah-ooh
There's Rush Limbaugh
Biggest pig I ever saw
With a hundred copies of his book on the shelf
Into my living room every night
Comes the fascist religious right
No one loves him more than himself
Rush thinks he's so darn important
An American Hitler, fattened and shortened
So seemingly omniscient
He isn't
He thinks being famous makes him significant
And smart and apropos
Oh no
But Pee Wee had a show too, you know
On my TV I would sooner
See old Morton Downey Jr.
There's boneheads on my TV
bop-sh-bop
Boneheads talking to me
Rrrrrr
I see them every single day
A lot of words, not a thing to say
There's boneheads on my TV
Ooh-la-la
And there's Geraldo
Thinks he's Phil Donaho
Interviewing hearing impaired lepers with Alzheimer's
Oy senor
He likes subjects with missing limbs
Never mind that folks throw chairs at him
They break his nose, and give him a nice shiner
La la la la
And there he is with the Ku Klux Klan
Proving he is such a macho little man
We're impressed
He picked a fight with Wizard Buford
What a weenie
And I didn't know just who to root for
Geraldo's face all bloody and gory
And suddenly Geraldo IS the story
That's the way to be objective
Keep your professional perspective
There's boneheads on my TV
Do-be-do-wah, do-be-do-wah
Yeah, boneheads talking to me
Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk
They're broadcasting stupidity
And making so much more than me
There's boneheads on my TV
What's on the TV, looks like a penguin
The local news is no better
Watch a dork in a cardigan sweater
Tell me about some murdered nuns
With witty jokes and pithy puns
And that pithes me off
There's ads for 1-900 women
A new diet from chubby Richard Simmons
A vacuum cleaner that cuts hair
A workout device that's just two stairs
Stay up late for A Current Affair
And Miracle Replacement Hair
Bob Vila is building a hot tub
And there's the Home Shopping Club
A medicine for heart attacks
Oh my God Rush is back
Boneheads on my TV
Bone bone bone bone bone bone head
Boneheads talking to me
Eh?
And here's what keeps them all afloat
There's no IQ button on my remote
There's boneheads on my TV
I'm so glad I got cable
There's boneheads watching TV
Shoo-be-do-watch, shoo-be-do-watch
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14. |
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She just walked out, so I guess we're through
She moved in with another guy, that's my second clue
I'm not asking for a chance, I'm not begging or pleading
I don't want her back if she could do this to me
I don't need her, I can pull through
I don't miss her, I've got better things to do
I'm not calling, I'm not writing, I got nothing to say
She's gone and she's forgotten and she'll stay that way
I sold everything that she left, but some things wouldn't sell
So I put her toothbrush in the mail, and I addressed it to hell
Dental hygiene is important, I'm not judging her morally
She never was too meticulous orally
Fire and brimstone are hard on your gums
And I know she's in hell, cause that's where she's from
But my postman, he didn't understand
He couldn't find a zip-code for the underland
I tried UPS, and Federal Express
They both did their best, with limited success
I threw away all of her makeup, and her worn out bathroom scale
And I put her toothbrush in the mail, and I addressed it to hell
Now I don't mean to offend
But you never knew her well
And four out of five dentists recommend
That she go to hell
Go directly to hell, do not pass Go
Do not collect $200 a week out of my pocket
I heard from her last week, she says she's doing well
She's the first person ever to receive, a care package in hell
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15. |
Virile Man
01:55
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He's tall and dark and handsome, most macho in the land
The women come from all around for Virile Man
He looks just like a movie star and he's his biggest fan
The women come from near and far for Virile Man
He's a girl toy, and boy can he love
But sometimes he just can't get it up
He keeps his women in their place, in the palm of his hand
Or sometimes on his smiling face he's Virile Man
He can make love up to a minute
Minute
And sometimes that's even after he's in it
Are you in?
He's tall and dark and handsome, most macho in the land
The women come from all around for Virile Man
Oh, Virile Man
He can make love up to a minute
Minute
And sometimes that's even after he's in it
Was that a minute?
He's tall and dark and handsome, most macho in the land
The women come from all around for Virile Man
Virile Man
Virile Man
Virile Man
He's Virile Man, he's Virile Man
He's Virile Man, he's Virile Man
He's Virile Man, he's Virile Man
He's Virile Man
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Steve Goodie Nashville, Tennessee
For as long as songwriters and musicians have been plying their creative wares, it's been understood that music is a funny business. For comedian/songwriter Steve Goodie, a slight twist might be more apt: "Funny is a music business."
