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What, and Quit Showbiz​?​?​!​!

by Steve Goodie

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1.
Love Me (On) Tinder 02:52
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Love me on Tinder, love me sweet I don't have all night And you're within 100 feet So swipe me to the right Love me on Tinder, swipe me through Say my dreams are real You have a smoking profile pic And darlin' I'd like to cop a feel Bathroom selfie, 3 am Boy I sure look fine You'd never know I'm three foot ten Or that my hair ain't mine Love me on Tinder, love me fast I love this f'ing app I've got two more after you Hope no one's got... the measles Love me on Tinder, hey you'll do Your name, sure, I'd like to know (why not?) We'll be done in just a few I don't actually love you… so…? Well bless my soul, you look so good And you're right here in my neighborhood You like my smile, and I like your butt It ain't love… but let's hook up Mmmm mmmm, oo oo, yeah yeah, let's hook up Well this one's a honey, this one's a ho It's three in the morning, let's go I ain't nothing but a horndog, scrounging all the time I ain't never had a woman 'cept the skanks I find online
2.
Those Things You Do 02:58
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You, gotta stop doing those things you do As of today you can't be gay in the Hoosier State Cause that makes us go ewww Soon you'll, have to go to different schools Cause we don't want to explain to our sweet children Those icky things you do Cause God says guys shouldn't lie with guys Though two girls are kinda cool Yeah someone's got to stop those things you do We, know all the games you play And we knew someday we'd find a way to Straighten out you wicked gays through legislation Cause we, like Christianity That's what the founding fathers had in mind when They broke it off with England Yeah why should we try to accept you guys When the bible's literally true And it says we should stone you for doing those things you do We don't know a whole lot, but we know one thing for sure We know Hoosier daddy, and you better get outta Indiana's back door Cause we, are a decent society And we don't allow this sort of gross misconduct Though we do like fraternities You can try and fight for your civil rights But we're standing with Ted Cruz And we're gonna stop you doing those things Only we get wedding rings We can't take you doing those things you do
3.
I'm Donald Trump 02:57
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I'm…. Donald Trump, and I'm here to crash the Grand Old Party I'm…. Donald Trump, and you'll vote for me or you're retarded Everybody's running leaning hard to the right A commie's in the house that is supposed to be white You won't catch me saying anything that's PC America is ready for a genius like me I make so much money that my poop doesn't stink And we should round up all the Muslims, yeah, that's what I think I'm…. Donald Trump, and America will be so classy I'm…. Donald Trump, gonna kick that ISIS in the assy Reaching out to voters with my message of win Everybody out if you got that brown evil skin Liberals don't like it when I say what I want And Megyn Kelly's crying like a leaky tampon Look at me if you don't know what to wear Call me super-PAC MAN, and yes this is my hair I'm…. Donald Trump, and yes I am the grownup Cartman I'm…. Donald Trump, let's get that wall for beaners started We don't need no immigration I made me a fortune, a proud American With no help, but the million I got from my old man I'll dress up the White House with T. R. U. M. P. Lots of big old letters and no refugees Pumping up my ego with my name everywhere Gotta compensate for what's in my underwear I'm…. Donald Trump, let's forget my ties are all imported I'm…. Donald Trump, so I hope you like your facts distorted Get these guys deported My facts are unsupported Better close the borders, right now
4.
Endoscope 04:00
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Happy birthday! Now you're fifty years old and you'd rather not have to be thinking about a colonoscopy It's more pleasant to deny the fact that colo-rectal cancer kills a half a million people every year Your medical plan! Says preventive care is something they provide for free just for you (thanks Obama!) So get ready to let them hunt for polyps and ulcers and tumors in your rear Don't worry! Hey, doesn't it sound like fun to have a camera up inside in your colon Um, is there an alternate approach, like an X-ray or a cancer-sniffing dog, they all say nope This gadget! Is mounted on a tube and can remove tiny polyps for examination later on (wow!) And apropos to this procedure they call this rectal selfie-stick an endoscope That's an endoscope up your A…. yay yay yay yay yay That's an endoscope up your A (say cheese!) There must be some other way…. yay yay yay yay yay No that's an endoscope up your A (I need more light.. boy, the sun really doesn't shine up here) You just gotta do this, that's what everyone says, quit being such a baby Call the doctor and make an appointment and eventually the nice receptionist will call you back Get ready! She tells you that for three days you'll be feasting on nothing but broth just like a lingerie model To roto-root and clear out every tiny little bit of fecal matter clinging to your digestive tract Ew! You also gotta clear your schedule to allow extra quality time with your toilet (oh no) Go to Walgreens and ask them for economy-sized strawberry-flavored industrial-strength laxatives Oh boy! And stop at the library to borrow giant stacks of reading material (yeah… just keep this stuff) And now it's three days on the pot with lots and lots of Harry Potter and constant explosive flatulence And then an endoscope up your A…. yay yay yay yay yay That's an endoscope up your A (you may feel a little pressure...) Without the slightest bit of foreplay…. yay yay yay yay yay That's an endoscope up your A (Get my good side! Wait! My eyes were closed!) Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that a camera that's crammed inside your butt could have the slightest chance of seeing anything carcinogenic that's attached itself inside your large intestine but according to the internet there's every indication that your chances of surviving through your fifties are pathetic unless you submit yourself to this undignified procedure and you put your trust and faith in modern western medicine… where was I? It's time! Now you're ready to let them go where no man has ever gone before You're smart, you got an early appointment so you'll have the whole day to recover from PTSD Lie down! You get a gown that covers nothing in the back so your crack is on display for absolutely everyone And now you realize the brilliance of this simple yet ubiquitous design for maximized visibility Anesthesia! Curl up in a ball like the baby you've become and then there's drugs (ooooo) Soon you're sleeping and dreaming of rainbows and unicorns and not the thing that's up your personal space Recovery! Now it's over and you're hoping that they didn't find a tumor or a spatula or anything humiliating You get a friend to drive you home and sit and binge The Walking Dead all day while stuffing chocolate in your stupid face That was an endoscope up your A…. yay yay yay yay yay That was an endoscope up your A (scared the crap out of me!) Read the card on that bouquet…. yay yay yay yay yay That's an endoscope up your A (everybody!) That's an endoscope up your A…. yay yay yay yay yay That's an endoscope up your A (now just the pharmaceutical salespeople!) You want to grow old like George Takei…. yay yay yay yay yay Well shove an endoscope up your A (where's my lollipop?)
5.
Walk of Shame 02:35
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Walk of Shame, darling, Walk of Shame Thank you for all the sheets we stained Even though, we made love consensually We knew potentially, eventually You'd be on the street, in your bare feet Walk of Shame, why you call it Walk of Shame I don't see the need for these phony names If you were a guy, you'd do the Strut of Pride But since you wore a dress, and were my guest Now you regret, jumping in bed Walk of Shame, it's time for the Walk of Shame Down the alley, behind Lover's Lane Sexually, I say c'est la vie But you're afraid, of the price to be paid So put on your shades, and join the parade Walk of Shame, darling, Walk of Shame Obviously you're unlikely to want to see me again Though now we go our own separate ways While you stumble home, I'm here alone Trolling tinder on my phone Walk of Shame, oh darling, Walk of Shame A thousand times you've said, “never never never never never never again!” At that bar we closed, your picture's in a frame So the memory stays for always That walk is your claim to fame Walk of Shame, auf wiedersehen Walk of Shame, what was your name?
6.
Sleep With the Whole Band 01:18
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I play all the instruments on my songs I don't hire a band to play along So if you're a girl who finds me kinda cute Here's some facts that you might want to compute I'm the singer, I'm the bassist I play drums and keys let's face it All of them are me, it's sad but true I play guitar, I write the songs They're typically sixty seconds long So ask yourself if that'll really do You love music and comedy, but You don't want your friends to call you Slut So come fulfill your teenage fantasy Of doing a whole band, monogamously I'm the driver, roadie, coffee bringer, Backup singer, triangle ringer Sound guy and choreographer too Your bucket list can go much faster Seven matching plaster casters Hey I'll even sign ‘em for you Sleep with me and ya sleep with the whole band The manager's a dork but the piano man is all hands Hey where ya going we're just getting started The singer's lonely and the drummer's broken-hearted Hey babe I know, one or two positions So why does God hate comedy musicians I gotta pee
7.
I Just Sneezed in My Pie 03:33
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I used to think that I could do no wrong In awkward situations I'd be so strong But out to eat with friends, it's late in the evening Not the best moment for, a giant fit of sneezing I can't believe this, it's my damn allergies, yes They've got me on my knees-es-es, oh please help me Jesus-es-es I just sneezed in my pie And in Bob's salad and Martha's fries Denny's open every night and day But they never seen nothing fly that way Now the waitress is sore Got me running out that kitchen door I just sneezed in my pie, I just sneezed in my pie I just sneezed in my pie Nobody else shot any snot, just me I am why, my apple pie got booger-y I horrified my friends, all twelve of them It was just like the last supper, but with extra phlegm If I could have stopped it, or somehow could have blocked it I'd have taken my nose and padlocked it, or aimed my snot-rocket into my pocket, but no... I just sneezed in my pie And right in Bob's grilled tilapi-i Denny's open every day and night But I ruined everybody's appetite Now the waitress is sore She grand slammed me to the floor I just sneezed in my pie, I just sneezed in my pie I just sneezed in my pie
8.
The Gump/Bieber/Poop Medley 03:41
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Jenny Jenny, you're the girl for me You don't know it but you make me so happy Jenny I got your number, I need to make you mine Jenny don't change your number, 867-5309 I am not a smartphone, but I know what your number is, 867-5309 Well I hate his stupid music but all the kids idolize him Rock star at age 13 And now he's vandalizing houses, getting DUI's and He's the only thing on TV Man I hate that brat Bieber, that brat Bieber Just got home from Taco Bell, unlock the front door, oh hell Got to sit down, get relief on the throne Ate two great big chalupas, now I'm full of poop-ahs And there's doo doo doo, pokin' out my back door I can't get my front door open, my stupid key is broken Gotta make it to the crapper, please somebody let me in Them tacos I was hoggin', now I'm doing some prairie-doggin' And there's doo doo doo, lookin' out my back door Chorizo seems so innocent, but it's started to expand And my insides are at high-tide it's true, doo doo doo In my crap condition, I must assume the position And there's doo doo doo, lookin' out my back door My sphincter's ready to deploy, I'm backed up like an altar boy And it's a damn emergency, gotta get into the john It's fiber one tomorrow, today I'm Kilimanjaro And there's doo doo doo, blowin' out my back door
9.
I Dropped My Phone in the Toilet 02:06
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I was texting with six friends at once When nature called and would not be forestalled So I brought the phone with me onto the throne, thinking They can't smell a text, so they'd never know, but then I dropped my phone in the toilet, my phone's in the toilet My droid took a dive, what am I gonna do My whole life's in that phone, now my life's in the toilet And if you think your life stinks, oh boo hoo hoo hoo Between my knees my cell fell two feet to hell All my contacts and pictures and games I can't lose I just gotta retrieve it, but I'd rather leave it Forget rubber gloves, I need a damn hazmat suit Cause I dropped my phone in the toilet, my phone's in the toilet My whole life's in that phone and now my phone's in the loo It won't help to boil it, my life's in the toilet Public service announcement, don't text and poo As I stand here transfixed, I might be sick It's not the bandwidth, it's just so damn ripe How will folks get in touch, I use that thing so much But it coulda been worse, yeah it could've been Skype Hey Steve… where's your phone? Where it's dark as a dunghole and stinky and ewww Where the finest of caviar, is the same as beef stew Where it's vile and it's nasty with bacteria galore That's where you'll find the droid I'm looking for Samsung, in the loo, everybody's dropped one...
10.
F U R2D2 02:45
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There's a tiny little droid kinda looks like a salt-shaker Can't really talk but he beeps like a wise-acre Little piece of junk who steals every scene From the swamps of Degoba to the sands of Tattoine Some people think he's cute but I think he's a creep He can open every door, he can always have a peep That's worse than Superman's x-ray vision Cause no matter what the codes, R2D2 has permission To raid your bank account or take pictures of your wife And post them on your facebook, and that sh*t isn't right He can screw up Idol, he can screw up The Voice And dammit that sh*t is supposed to be people's choice He can mess with an election, he can always get his way That's what happened in Florida in Y2K I think that's terrible, evil, and deplorable But everyone thinks he's cute, yeah the girls think he's adorable F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 You're as attractive to me as Pelosi in a see-through So F*ck you R2D2, F*ck you R2D2 F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 I'll take you to the airport and send you to Puerto Rico F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 He could solve global warming but he just makes it worse And he sucks at rhyming and he sucks at free-verse He comes drunk to a party and he'll never ever leave He's got real bad breath for a dude who doesn't breathe He likes showing crappy holograms for everyone to see But some of those holograms aren't exactly rated G Like the time the Emperor had his way with Darth Vader The droid put that sh*t on youtube a day later And I didn't need to see Vader on his knees Using the Force to its logical extremes But even that wouldn't have been offensive to me But everyone knows holograms are 3-D Agh! My eyes! I'm in a permanent cringe Thanks you little bastard, now my retinas are singed I can't unremember what you just made me see Three-P-O, how could you let him do this to me F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 You ruined my life, and ended my libido So F*ck you R2D2, F*ck you R2D2 F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 Should have left you in the swamp, or mailed you to Escondido F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 Some might say I'm totally wrong They say R2 is fine, this is a terrible song They can think what they want, but did they ever consider He could have blown up the death star on his own, the little shitter While we were risking the lives of all those good guys He could have phoned in a code and de-Imperial-ized The whole galaxy without lifting a digit But he didn't cause he's a malicious metal midget F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 My stupid smart-phone has this dream to be you F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2 There's must be a way to Control-Alt-Delete you F*ck you R2D2, f*ck you R2D2
11.
Itchy Song #1,543 02:31
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Way down there, I've got an itch Hard to reach with my fingertips It drives me crazy, all damn night I hope the doctor can make this right Itchy scrotum, please Doc, I need some fungicide Itchy scrotum, I'm not immune to the lice Well I know you want a lover, better find another Don't be sleeping in this nasty bed Something funky's going round, some fungus in this town It'll keep you busy scratching till your junk turns red Itchy scrotum, why oh why oh why Itchy scrotum, who gave me genital lice
12.
My Dog Never Multi-Tasks 02:08
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I've learned so much from my dog He lives the most contented life Sniffing and humping and sleeping and I've Always tried to magnify his joy and never spoil it I'm learning from the master, who's drinking happily from the toilet My dog never multi-tasks When he's licking his ass, he's licking his ass He's not on the phone and making tea And checking email while watching TV And working craigslist simultaneously No when my dog licks his ass, he just licks his ass They say it's a dogs life when things go wrong But I have never understood Why napping all day is anything but good If I could heighten all my senses, there's so much he could teach But like inner peace and Nirvana, there are some things l just can't reach My dog does one thing, that's all When he's licking his balls, he's licking his balls He's not shopping online and acquiring more possessions And making gluten-free pasta and popping anti-depressants And replacing all his light bulbs with fluorescents No when my dog licks his balls, he just licks his balls Man I wish I could… do just one thing at a time...
13.
Do Your Job 02:18
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Oh do your job, just do your job, just do your freakin' job Or you're gonna learn the meaning of convictions We elected you to do your job, so sign the freakin' forms Or your backward ass is going back to prison Way down in Kentucky there's some folks who want to go To the courthouse to get married, but the clerk there tells them no Cause the institute of marriage is just too sacred for words And she'd prefer it if you didn't mention, all four of hers She's in love with Jesus and she thinks she has the duty To perpetuate some bigotry toward those she thinks are fruity When they show up at her office in their full monogamy She says, God is my authority (praise Huckabee!) Do your job, just do your job, just do your freakin' job You're legally required to sign this license You can quit, but cut the sh*t, you are not permitted To choose which laws receive your compliance (do I hear banjos?) The Bible has to win, so the constitution's tossed Cause her brain's the only thing she has that's recently been washed Her bible clearly states, it's one woman and one guy At least in Morehead, KY She loves her fellow humans, she bears ill will toward none She'll be happy to, issue you, a nice license for a gun But try to choose the spouse for you, she has a hissy fit So in her cell she'll sit Oh do your job, just do your job, just do your freakin job Who are you to say who can get married What would Jesus do, that long haired hippie Jew He'd say shut your hole and go hitch up the fairies (Well, he'd say it nicer than that...) She speaks with her creator, all day long she has his ear And she's quite convinced that it's a sin to tolerate the queers She thinks she's Rosa Parks, standing up for something bigger But she's the freakin' driver, saying back of the bus, n----- She likes to play the martyr, cause she feels so persecuted She likes her country pure and her religion undiluted Denying others' rights gets her all kinds of limelight So she won't quit… damn, you really can't fix stupid She says I love I love I love I love my job job job And no you homos cannot make me do it I love I love I love I love my God God God And your sissy civil rights? Ah, screw it! It's your job, do your job Do your job, do your job dammit
14.
Nice Guys Finish Last 02:07
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Your mama said go find yourself a nice man like your dad And you're all like “Boring! They leave me snoring, who has time for that?” But your mama had it right, and I'll tell you why That punk-ass jerk you're dating got nothing on a real nice guy Cause nice guys finish last, so you can finish first He's not just into getting his, he's really into yours Bad boys might be sexy, but they'll treat you like liverwurst Remember nice guys finish last, so you can finish first Now good guys get a bad rap, for never getting drunk and never getting into fights You think they're totally unable to ever stand up for themselves but hell they'll stand up for you all night They'll hold your hand and hold your hair when you're blitzed off your butt That dork with the diet Dr. Pepper, he can still get up Nice guys finish last, so you can finish first When it comes to hers and his, he's totally 100% undeniably into getting her hers He has a sensibile car and he has a way of making that kitty purr Remember nice guys finish last, so you can finish first So it's come to this, your mama had it right If your daddy wasn't totally boring and totally into her You wouldn't be here tonight Nice guys finish last, so you can finish first He can hold his breath for hours, and you know how much that's worth He'll open your door, pick up the check, and hold your stupid purse But most importantly…nice guys finish last, so you can finish – Oops… sorry…
15.
Don't Be a Dick 02:13
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Text me back within an hour, every few weeks maybe take a shower Don't swear at my mom, don't hit on other chicks All you have to do is, don't be a dickhead Don't be a dick, no don't be a dick Just cause you have one you don't have to act like it Now you're all broken hearted but I don't give a shit When all you had to do is, don't be a dick Get yourself a job, try to show up Wash a damn dish, or a fork or a cup A first date shouldn't be anywhere that starts with “Mc” All you have to do is, don't be a dickhead Don't be a dick, no don't be a dick Just cause you have one you don't have to act like it Now you're all broken hearted but I don't give a shit When all you had to do is, don't be a dick It's a very simple rule, don't be a tool You drive a sweet beemer, but don't be a weiner You're all out of luck, cause you're acting like a shmuck Let's get something straight between us, you're being a total penis Don't be a dick, no don't be a dick You had to be a prick, so I don't give a lick Now you're all broken-hearted cause you couldn't handle it When all you had to do is, don't be a dick Now I'm telling everyone, you are fun-size-hung When all you had to do is don't forget to not be a dick
16.
War on Xmas is Over 03:35
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So you say Merry Christmas, and that makes me smile But when I say Happy Holidays, you get all hostile Yes I know that it's Christmas, it's very special to you But there are other winter holidays, I'm just including them, too (but it's all about you) There is no war on Christmas, you go ahead and celebrate But you don't own December, you gotta try and tolerate (sorry about that) You can sing all those carols, you can hang up those lights War is over, there never was one Put your tree in the living room, wait for Santa all night (we will not infringe on your rights) War is over, there never was one But I might light some candles, or read an old sacred scroll War is over, there never was one Or get a sweet little Bodhi tree, or a Festivus Pole (or nothing at all) War is over, there never was one There is no war on Christmas, so celebrate and believe Enjoy religious freedom, don't force yours on me (seriously, get over it) So you say Merry Christmas, that's a lovely thing to say War is over, there never was one It's a very warm, friendly sentiment, and so is Happy Holidays War is over, there never was one And before there was Christmas, there were many very special winter events War is over, there never was one There was Diwali and Hanukkah and the Winter Solstice and all sorts of New Year's celebrations, so who are you to take offense? War is over, there never was one Dude, there is no war on Christmas, do you just like getting mad? It's a lie that you tell yourself Like when you told yourself Santa wasn't actually your dad The war is over, there never was one The war is over, try to act Christian Yo... what time am I supposed to don my gay apparel?
17.
Love Me on Tinder (Live) 03:05
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about

Hey there, friends & folks who like stupid songs! This CD (#27) is possibly my naughtiest ever. There's not one redeeming tune in this whole collection. It's all about nasty things like poop & boogers & body parts & bodily functions & "intimate moments" & Star Wars & Donald Trump & upholding the constitution, Ick! Please proceed with caution. If you don't like the first song, just quit listening, cause it's not gonna get any better.

All through 2015, Steve spent far too many hours coming up with ridiculously gross songs. Don't know why... he just did. And now, as 2016 dawns, here's a batch of gross melodies.

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released January 1, 2016

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Steve Goodie Nashville, Tennessee

For as long as songwriters and musicians have been plying their creative wares, it's been understood that music is a funny business. For comedian/songwriter Steve Goodie, a slight twist might be more apt: "Funny is a music business."

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