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Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of How 'Bout Another (Bunch Of) Dumb Song(s) From Steve For No Reason?, AL! The Weird Al Tribute and How Daniel Radcliffe Got Mixed Up in All This Nonsense, Top Ten Songs That Steve Has Come Up With Since His Last CD (plus 6 more!), What I Did Over My Pandemic Vacation, A Kvetchmas Carol, Admit You've Got a Bald Spot, Vampire's Ball: Ultimate Halloween Party, I Am Terribly Important, and 29 more.
1. |
Dumbledore
03:45
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Nothing ever ever happens in this house
Feeling shut-out, magic tricks are not allowed here
I thought that I would go right out of my mind
Till an owl brought me the news
It said I was already enrolled
In a crazy magic school a thousand years old
So my uncle I told, “I quit this household”
And I laced up both my shoes
But he said “you're not going anywhere
You nasty little boy with your jacked-up hair
Your aunt and I, well, we really don't care
If you rot away in your room”
But then a whole bunch of letters they arrived
So many that my uncle and aunt were horrified
And they tried to hide me, till Hagrid he surprised
'Em with a motorcycle and a brand new broom
I can't wait, no I can't wait
They say I'm gonna be a sorceror
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Dumbledore
On the train I met a guy named Ron
A red-headed kid and we really got along
Making stuff disappear with our magic wands
It was really really really really really really great
Then we met this girl, Hermione
Who knew every spell there is from A to Z
And we had ourselves some lunch, then unfortunately
Old Malfoy showed his face
Mean kid who likes to make trouble
When he spots anybody related to a muggle
And he calls them names, so we're gonna burst his bubble
Before this year is through
Now the coach has started slowing down
And I'm getting off the train and I'm looking all around
And I get in a boat, and I very nearly drown
Can't believe it's coming true
I can't wait, no I can't wait
Hagrid open up that great big door
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Dumbledore
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in
Gryffindor
Would you look at all of Dumbledore's stuff…
He's got suits of armor, moving stairs, and ghosts who wander everywhere and
Talking pictures, headless knights, a trouble-making poltergeist and
Maps that know where people are, and fighting trees and flying cars and
Dinner plates that show up full, and cloaks that are invisible and
Magic mirrors, crystal balls, dead girls who live in toilet stalls and
Secret chambers down below where no one is allowed to go and
Giant spiders, unicorns, and chamber pots in every dorm and
Flying dragons, flying brooms, dementors when you're feeling doomed and
Potions that'll make you sneeze and vomit frogs incessantly
Exploding snap, cold butterbeer, Professor Snape's acidic sneer and
Snitches, quaffles, bludgers, wands, loose prisoners from Azkaban and
Hippogriffs and blast-end skrewts and magic frogs and cats and newts and
Every flavor jelly beans, gillyweed for human submarines and
Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, and animagus rats and dogs and
Dungeons, boggarts, broken rules, patronuses, and magic duels, and
Dirty rotten Slytherin cheaters, keepers, seekers, chasers, beaters
I can't wait, no I can't wait
I'm gonna get that evil Voldemort
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Dumbledore
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to be
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to be
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to be (-ble) oh yes, I'm gonna be in
Gryffindor
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to meet
Goin' to meet (Dumble) dore I'm goin', really goin' to meet
Goin' (Dum-) I'm goin' to meet (-ble) oh yes, I'm goin' to meet
Voldemort
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2. |
Malfoy the Flying Ferret
00:25
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Oh Malfoy, Malfoy, Malfoy the flying ferret
He's not very nice but we keep him around
Cause he makes a squish when he hits the ground
Malfoy, Malfoy, Malfoy the flying ferret
Hey Malfoy!
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3. |
Avada Kedavra
04:32
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Wormtail: Draco, at times like this, we Death Eaters say you must “Get Lord Voldemort's behind.”
Voldemort: No. No. No!
Wormtail: Sorry my lord...
Voldemort: Amateur! It's “Get behind Lord Voldemort.” Draco, a bad thing needs to happen, and it's up to you.
Draco: Uh... that's not what they teach us at Hogwarts.
Voldemort: Then maybe you need a new lesson. Avada Kedavra! What a wonderful curse!
Wormtail: Avada Kedavra! They don't get any worse!
Voldemort: It means no Harry, better call him a hearse…
Wormtail: Okay… he's a hearse!
Voldemort and Wormtail: Ha! It's our trouble-free, artillery…
Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!
Draco: Avada Kedavra?
Wormtail: Yeah. It's our favorite hex!
Draco: What's a hex?
Voldemort: Geez kid, what the hex wrong with you? Ha ha ha!
Wormtail: Ha ha ha! Good one, my lord. Draco, those two words will solve all your problems.
Voldemort: That's right. Take Wormtail here… Why, when he was a young Hogwarts (student)...
Wormtail: When I was a young Hogwarts (student).
Voldemort: Very nice.
Wormtail: Heh heh, Thank you.
Voldemort: He found his persona lacked a certain appeal, he was teased and abused, till he squirmed and he squealed.
Wormtail: I'm a sensitive soul, and I was so chagrined... that they put me in Gryffindor, and not Slytherin.
And oh, the shame...
Voldemort: He was ashamed.
Wormtail: Such a lame nickname...
Voldemort: Yeah, Wormtail's pretty lame.
Wormtail: And I wanted to quit...
Voldemort: How did ya feel?
Wormtail: Well, I felt like…
Voldemort: Hey! Wormy! Not in front of the kids!
Wormtail: Oh. Sorry.
Voldemort and Wormtail: Avada Kedavra! So nicely depraved! Avada Kedavra!
Voldemort: Even though you don't shave (yet).
Draco: It means no Harry, he'll go straight to the grave.
Voldemort: Yeah, sing it kid!
Voldemort and Draco: It's our recipe...
Wormtail: For anarchy...
All: Avada Kedavra!
Voldemort: Welcome to the dark side.
Draco: You're all killers?
Voldemort: We kill whoever we want.
Wormtail: Yup! Turn ‘em into rump roasts!
Draco: That's beautiful!
Wormtail: That Order of the Phoenix makes me so mad!
Draco: I'm so angry I could kill a house-elf.
Voldemort: Heh… we don't need a house-elf killed… yet.
Draco: An owl?
Voldemort: Nuh-uh.
Draco: Harry Potter?!
Voldemort: No, he's mine! Listen, if you're going be a Death Eater, you have to act like a Death Eater. And there's one fella that REALLY needs to… go away.
Draco: Oooh, who's that?
Voldemort: A certain headmaster… who did you think?
Draco: Ohhhh… Wow…
Voldemort: Oh yeah… I hope you're not chicken.
Wormtail: Unforgivable, yet satisfying!
Voldemort: This is a rare opportunity.
Wormtail: Mmm hmmm...
Voldemort: Mmmm… he'll die with a very pleasant crunch.
Wormtail: You'll learn to love it!
Voldemort: I'm tellin' you kid, this is the great life. No rules, no accountability… Heh heh, the little muggle kind. And best of all… we're all pureblood!
Wormtail: Ahem…
Voldemort: That is, except me. Well, kid?
Draco: Oh well…
Wormtail: Hey! Don't point that at me!
Draco: Avada Kedavra…
Wormtail: (dying) Aaagh!
Draco: (laughing) Unforgivable, yet satisfying.
Voldemort: That's it!
Draco and Voldemort: Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada --
Draco: It means no Wormy, and Dumbledore's in his grave.
All: Love to hear them scream, in that flash of green...
Voldemort: Avada Kedavra!
Voldemort and Wormtail: Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra!
Draco: Avada Kedavra! Ooo ooo ooo…
Voldemort: Avada Kedavra! Ha ha ha ha!
Voldemort: That's right… It's the circle of death…
Wormtail: My hand hurts…
Voldemort: Be prepared… Can you feel the death tonight?
Draco: Ooo ooo ooo...
Voldemort: I just can't wait to be king!
Draco: Avada Kedavra...
Voldemort: King… King Voldemort… that's, that's me… King Voldemort!
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4. |
Harry Sings His Tragedy
03:04
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This just in... the Dark Mark was spotted above Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry just after midnight tonight... this is the traditional signature of murder by the Death Eaters... the followers of You Know Who...
Oh, well I'm frozen
Watching Draco abusing poor old Dumbledore
And I cannot do a thing
And I can't believe my ears, oh how could it be worse
What a horrible ending
What's Dumbledore thinking, we knew Draco was a traitor
Just like his buddy Snape
Yeah that doublecrosser works for Volde -- shhhh…
I'm frozen, thinking
“How could you go let yourself be murdered,” now you've frozen me Dumbledore
No, Snape's no better than Peter Pettigrew, shoulda gotten fired not promoted, he's Slytherin
Haven't you people ever heard he's, working for Voldemort?
No, he's much better at evil kinds of things, have you lost your senses?
Oh, looking back
Dumbledore's been looking for horcruxes
And recklessly depending on Snape
Now it's all so, bloody awful
Got himself in a bad scrape
Oh, watch your back
If Draco can't liquidate you
I mean technically it's gotta be Snape, right?
Made that unbreakable vow, got your jugular vein
Now his job's down the drain
Harry! What happened?
I watched the whole thing. I couldn't move because Dumbledore froze me. I was right about Draco all along. Voldemort ordered him to get Dumbledore.
And he did?
I can't believe it!
I'm frozen, thinking
Everybody's always been sure that, Snape's working for Dumbledore
No, he's no better than Narcissa and Bellatrix, shoulda gotten clobbered at the ministry
He's Slytherin
Haven't you people ever heard there's, Death-Eaters at the door?
No, Malfoy's destroying everything, where's your defenses?
Tom's got seven personalities, oh yeah
I'm frozen, thinking
“How could you go let yourself be murdered,” Snape's after you Dumbledore
No, maybe he planned the whole thing weeks ago, maybe he's really in the Order
It's confusing
Maybe he's evil maybe he's not, is he working for Voldemort?
Dunno, don't know how to face this kind of thing, look in the Pensieve…
Tom wants immortality, oh yeah
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5. |
||||
I read the news today, oh boy
'Bout how the headmaster he got betrayed
Just can't believe Snape's quite that bad
Thought he was on the righteous path
Hey, he was on the Hogwarts staff
He blew his boss up with a wand
He'd made a vow to Malfoy and Lestrange
That's pronounced, "La-strawnge"
Vowed to cover Draco's derriere
So he whacked old Dumbledore
Though nobody is really sure we'll never see his face no more
They've stretched the films to eight, oh boy
Though the books are great, I find the films okay
If I were smart I'd turn away
But I just have to look
Having read the books
I can't believe… he's… gone…
This just in... shortly past midnight last night, Hogwarts headmaster Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore was...
...was done in by Severus Snape, using the forbidden Avada Kedavra curse. More information as it comes in.
Well obviously there will be more information as it comes in. We can't very well dispense information before it comes in, can we?
Yes, of course Veronica, that's just something we say, isn't it, to sign off?
Oh for heaven's sake! Can't we think of something a bit more clever than that? I mean really!
Oh, good Lord Veronica, do you have to make an issue out of everything I say?
So this is my fault is it?
Woke up, got out of bed
Felt the scar across my head
Found my way downstairs where the floating cups
Had been conjured up to hit the Dursleys in the face (ha ha ha ha)
Found my wand and grabbed my broom
Felt my wizard life resume
But the whole thing just went up in smoke
I'm under my cloak and I just want to scream
Ah…
Oh Veronica, it's not a question of fault. It's a question of propriety, of professionalism while we're working.
So, I'm not professional, is that it?
That's not what I said...
Just because I refuse to spout meaningless cliches to the point of madness...
Veronica...
... that makes me a non-professional?
No no no...
I see what's going on here!
Oh, well why don't you enlighten us? You're the professional after all.
I most certainly will.
Yes, I expect you will.
What's that supposed to mean?
Hmm, I wonder what that could mean? Could it mean you're going to go on and on and on...
It made the news today, oh boy
Four thousand mourners packed in Hogwarts here
And though I was there to see him fall
Now Hagrid won't let me look
I won't really know what happened till I get to read the final book
I can't believe… he's… gone…
Dumbledore's lifetime accomplishments include induction as Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot...
Uh, Veronica, I think that's "Why-zen-ga-moot."
No Martin, I looked it up.
Are you sure?
Oh quite.
Dumbledore was widely known as the only wizard ever truly feared by You Know Who.
It's Voldemort. Can't we just say his name? Would that be so awful?
I can't believe you!
Voldemort...
I -- you are despicable!
Wizengamot.
I've never worked with such a lunatic!
Voldemort. Voldemort.
Stop it! Stop it! I hate you!
Voldemort.
I can't work like this!
Voldemort.
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6. |
Act Pottery
02:40
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They're gonna make me do more movies
Now they've made a big star out of me
They make lame films and they pay me lots of money
And all I gotta do is, act Pottery
Well they'll touch up my forehead with a big scar
I'll get a wand and do some crazy spells
The CG has made me a big star
Cause I can't really act so well
Well I hope you'll come and see my latest movie
See me type-cast to the nth degree
Everyone thinks Harry is yours truly
But all I really do is, act Pottery
Well I can't believe these films are really ending
And I'm not yet an Oscar nominee
I'm a twenty-something, has-been child actor
And all I ever did was, act Pottery
Well I guess I should put an ad on craigslist
But I can't type, and I don't know how to spell
I could be that crazy kid in Equus
Cause I can play the part au naturel
Well I hope you'll come and see the latest movie
And ignore the fact that I'm quite elderly
When I finish school, I'll be washed-up big-time
Cause all I ever do is, act Pottery
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7. |
I Am the Horcrux
04:30
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I am he who's chosen least some folks believe what they read in the paper
I'm on the run since the new war's begun I'm on the run, I'm hiding
Sitting in a puptent, waiting for a clue to come
Dumbledore's intel, sadly insufficient
Hunting for a bunch of pieces of a tattered soul
I am the H-man, I am the H-man, I am the horcrux, you're through You Know Who
Mister Ronald Weasley sitting chicken little Weasley had to go
See how he whines once he's left us behind, see how he cries
He's crying, he's crying, he's crying, he's crying
Nymphadora Lupin, growing little wolves inside
Remus wants adventure, thinks he can protect her
Man you've been a naughty boy, you let your family down
I am the H-man, I am the H-man, finding Dolores, and then You Know Who
Sneaking into Umbridge office but the locket's gone
Tell the half-bloods run you gotta scram, maybe visit family in Spain
I am the H-man, I am the H-man, I am the horcrux, you're through You Know Who
Snatching rat-faced gloating poachers now we're toast cause Voldemort's taboo
See how they spy like steak and kidney pie, they're foul and vile, I'm flying
Flying into Hogwarts, fighting all the evil power
In some sort of purgatory, Dumbledore informs me
I am just another piece of Riddle's fractured soul
I am the H-man, I am the H-man, I am the horcrux
You're through You Know Who, you're through You Know Who
You're through You Know Who, you're through You Know Who
You're through … You Know Who
You're through, yeah you, you, you're through… You Know Who...
Hallows, horcrux, horcrux hallows
Toasting Voldemort marshmallows
Horcrux, hallows, hallows, horcrux
Dumbledore's dead, he was buried in his best tux...
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8. |
Harry's Girl
04:50
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Harry's girl, she's Harry's girl
Harry's girl, she's Harry's girl
She's last in line, her blood is pure
Now she's Harry's girl, fighting Voldemort
She's last in line, she don't like Fleur
Shes a
Like, OMG! (Harry's girl)
Like, totally (Harry's girl)
Like at first I couldn't even talk (Harry's girl)
I, like, froze up and like… (Harry's girl)
Whenever Harry Potter was around, I like couldn't say anything, you know? Cause he was like totally famous, with that awesome scar on his head, and he was like totally all alone, and he was super super nice… he was just so…
Youngest Weasley, she's depressed
Old Tom Riddle's got her possessed
She found this book, she was unaware
That he put a whole bunch of evil in there
Anyway, he goes, like, “Hi! I'm Tom Riddle, and this is my diary.” And I'm all like, wow, and he's all like, tell me about it, so I like told him how my brothers like totally tease me all the time, and how I like have to wear second-hand robes, I am so sure!
Harry's girl, she's Harry's girl
Harry's girl, she's Harry's girl
She lost her mind, she's lost her nerve
But she's Harry's girl, and he'll rescue her
Her vital signs, he will ensure
She's a
It's really sad (Harry's girl)
Our new defense teacher, Professor Lockhart (Harry's girl)
He's like Mr. Dufus (Harry's girl)
We're talking lord God king Dufus (Harry's girl)
I am so sure, he's like so pathetic
I heard like he let out all these pixies
And he like totally lost control of the class
It's like totally embarrassing
I'm like so sure, it's like who let these out...
Bag the whole room!
First year she's still awful shy
Anytime Harry J. Potter walks by
Her face turns red just like her hair
Can't say a word, just too dang scared
So like I go into this like bookstore place, y'know, and I wanted like to get my books for school, and they are all like, totally expensive, and like my dad like doesn't have any money, at all. It was like really embarrassing. And Harry's like, here, take my books, and he's like totally sweet, and I was like really embarrassed...
Harry's girl, she's Harry's girl
Harry's girl, she's Harry's girl
Years go by, she's found her nerve
Now she's Harry's girl, with the bogey curse
She's last in line, she don't like Fleur
But she's Harry's girl, he could do much worse
Like my brother is like a total dweeb (Harry's girl)
He's like freaking out that I kissed anyone (Harry's girl)
And he's like never even had a date (Harry's girl)
I am sure, that's like pathetic! (Harry's girl)
ROTFLOL! (Harry's girl)
OMG! (Harry's girl)
Hi!
Uh-huh... (Harry's girl)
My name?
My name is Ginevra Weasley (Harry's girl)
Uh-huh
That's right, Ginevra (Harry's girl)
Uh-huh...
Like, Ginny for short
It's like... (Harry's girl)
I do not have funny hair...
I'm sure (Harry's girl)
What'sa matter with red hair? (Harry's girl)
I am a witch, I know (Harry's girl)
But I play like a really awesome game of Quidditch, so it's okay
(Harry's girl)
Uh-huh... (Harry's girl)
So like, You Know Who is back (Harry's girl)
I'm like freaking out totally (Harry's girl)
OMG! (Harry's girl)
Hi, I have to go to the DA meeting tonight (Harry's girl)
We're like learning to defend ourselves, y'know (Harry's girl)
But I am like underage
That's going to be really like a total bummer
And I named the D.A. – Dumbledore's Army, y'know?
But will I get to stand and, like, fight?
No, my parents will totally make me, like, stay behind
By myself, in the room of requirement
It's like so totally uncool
But they can't watch me 24/7
So no biggie...
We've been, like, putting up resistance all year
It's like covert and stuff, y'know
Well, I'm not a big baby or anything
It's just like are you serious?
I can like totally take care of myself
With like You Know Who totally after Harry
Harry's like, “pretend you don't know me, Ginny”
It's like too risky...
Risky to the max
I'm sure
It's like really exasperating
Like get out
Get me a normal boyfriend
But…I am sure… Oh Harry…
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9. |
Umbridge Bloody Umbridge
04:06
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There's been a lot of talk about this next song... maybe too much talk. This is not a Harry Potter song... this is Umbridge Bloody Umbridge...
I can't believe my eyes today
I thought that nasty evil toad had gone away
Ding dong, the wicked witch ain't dead and gone
No that frog, ain't gone…
She survived, and she got another job, it's not right
In our fifth year she came to teach
Soon we realized how far her powers reached
She made herself Inquisitor
Thought she could run this dump much better than Dumbledore
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
She's working at the ministry
She should be in jail, but on the contrary
Though she is only three foot eight
Somehow she's making muggles and blood-traitors run away
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
Ding dong, that wicked witch got even stronger
That frog, ain't gone
Not quite, we gotta sneak inside, tonight
We gotta fight, with a polyjuice disguise, inside
Wipe her sneer away
Make her go away
She's only three foot eight
Go ahead, make my day (Umbridge, bloody Umbridge)
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
Now our seventh year's begun
We're hunting horcruxes, and that witch is wearing one
She wears that locket by her heart
Gotta infiltrate the ministry and rip that thing apart
I told the half-bloods run and hide (Umbridge, bloody Umbridge)
Once I'd hit that witch with a bit of Stupefy! (Umbridge, bloody Umbridge)
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
Umbridge, bloody Umbridge
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10. |
Dobby Can You Hear Me
01:30
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Dobby can you hear me, now I really need you
Dobby can you see me, I'm the one who freed you
Ooo Dobby, Dobby, Dobby, Dobby
Dobby can you hear me, you saved us from the bad guys
Dobby can you see me, you got clobbered in a drive-by
Ooo Dobby, Dobby, Dobby, Dobby
Dobby can you hear me, how could Rowling go and end you
Dobby can you see me, maybe Molly will avenge you
Ooo Dobby, Dobby, Dobby, Dobby…
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11. |
||||
I've known this kid since the first year of school
He taught us self-defense, and he taught us how to duel
And he's never had a problem, with breaking lots of rules
And he's on the run now, chasing You Know Who
That's Harry, is he awesome, yeah, very (very, very, very)
Oh Harry, Harry, come back and fight
Death Eaters are swarming into Hogwarts tonight
Oh Harry, glad you taught us those spells
You got me out of my shell, yeah it's true
Bring it on, You Know Who
I used to be pretty lame, forget lots of stuff
Till Professor McGonagall said, “Longbottom, enough's enough!”
Turns out my Gran wasn't perfect herself
And now I've got some confidence, with the Potter kid's help
That's Harry, is he awesome, yeah, very (very, very, very)
Oh Harry, Harry, come back and fight
We're wiping out, the Dark Lord tonight
Oh Harry, glad you taught us those curses
Now it's us versus the worst they can do
We can beat You Know Who
Harry's the man, there's no contest
From the very first day, on the Hogwarts Express
Did he make fun of me, not him, not never
He did his very best to help me find Trevor
Who turned up at Hagrid's, it wasn't so bad
But those Slytherin jerks make me so dang mad
That Draco and Pansy and Goyle and Crabbe
And Snape and Dolores and Bellatrix and… Riddle
Okay that didn't rhyme, I messed up that verse
Guess you better hit me with the Cruciatus Curse
But before you try it, you might want to know
That I killed Nagini, and that killed Voldemo'
So I might strike back, yeah maybe I oughta
Hit you with a little thing called… Avada Kedavra
Harry, Harry, he taught me to fight
And we're wiping out the Dark Side tonight
Oh Harry, glad you taught us those spells
You got me out of my shell, yeah it's true
And we can beat You Know Who
Harry, Harry, come back and fight
Hogwarts is lousy with Death Eaters tonight
Oh Harry, glad you taught us those curses
Now it's us versus the worst they can do
And we beat You Know Who (we beat You Know Who)
We beat You Know Who (we beat You Know Who)
Yeah we beat You Know Who (we beat You Know Who)
We beat him, defeated him, deleted him, mincemeated him, we beat You Know Who
We beat You Know Who
We beat You Know Who
We beat You Know Who
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12. |
Mr. Grint
02:55
|
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You're a magician, Mr. Grint
Your powers are unreal
But you're always overshadowed
By that Potter, how's that feel?
Mr. Grint
You're a second banana in a show you can't steal
You're an sidekick, Mr. Grint
And you'd like a leading role
But you tend to tumble downward
When you guard that Quidditch goal
Mr. Grint
And Fleur wouldn't touch you with a 39-and-a-half-foot... wand
You're a sly one, Mr. Grint
Even though you've got no scar
You make a smashing entrance
In a stolen flying car
Mr. Grint
And when you were surrounded by enormous spiders, you had to be rescued… by that stolen flying car
You‘re affluent, Mr. Grint
A former normal kid
Now you've got a couple mansions
Worth about ten million quid
Mr. Grint
The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote… stinking, filthy, rich
You're a redhead, Mr. Grint
And when you get too much sun
You're a radish with an accent
A tomato with a tongue
Mr. Grint
Your face is an amazing conglomeration of the most carcinogenic and multifaceted blemishes imaginable… and I'll just bet you have freckles on your bum
You entertain me, Mr. Grint
You're number eight of nine (including Molly and Arthur)
And though Fred and George are wacky
You still get the funny lines
Mr. Grint
You're a gawky, awkward goofball with a broken wand and limited Quidditch skills… but Miss Watson thinks you're fine
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13. |
Ice Cream Man
03:25
|
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Hey Ice Cream Man! Hey Ice Cream Man! Give me my ice cream! Mom, I need money for ice cream! Hey Ice Cream Man!
I AM ICE CREAM MAN!!
Yay!
I am Ice Cream Man
Plumping up the neighborhood in my van
When I ring my bell
All my little customers run like mad
Wait! Ice Cream Man! Hey Ice Cream Man! Ice Cream Man! Wait! Wait!
Big kid up the street
Begging mama give me money for a frozen treat
These kids can't say no
I'm spreading Good Humor wherever I go
(Burp) That was good! Give me my ice cream! Hurry! He's leaving! Run! Run! I'm running! I'm running!
Junkies are everywhere
Paying top dollar for a chocolate eclair
Wind, snow, hail or rain
See 'em waddle after me, calling my name
Wait up! Hey!
Everyone loves me Hey Ice Cream Man!
I'm God's gift to the world Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream! I got cash money!
Everyone needs me
My job couldn't be more secure
I want a fudgesicle! This is broccoli for crying out loud!
I'm your ice cream man… stop me when you're passing by…
I am Ice Cream Man
Inventing new flavors like spinach pecan
Teeth rot, stomachs turn
Everybody gets to feel the freezer burn
Hey Ice Cream Man!
Everyone wants me
I'm a rockstar in a stupid hat Can you break a fifty?
You wanna pay with a fifty? Uh huh.
Yeah I got change for that
Mom! I need fifty bucks! Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream!
Hey Ice Cream Man, I don't think this is what I ordered. Yeah, this isn't right. This isn't supposed to be green. Hey, give me my money back! I want a refund! I did not order spinach!
Hey buddy, my kid tells me you sold him some nasty ice cream.
Uh, that's not possible. Here, have a fudgesicle, on the house.
Ice Cream Man, wait for me!
Children used to be thin
With too much freakin energy and just one chin
Here they come again
Huffin and a-puffin like Eric Cartman
Hey!
What'll it be, kid?
Okay, okay, I need… okay… I need three Strawberry Shortcakes, and four Chocolate Eclairs, and one of those big red white and blue bomb things..
Got it.
Step right up, ladies and gentlemen… I got Fudge Bars, Nestle Crunch Bars, Snickers Bars, Heath Bars, King Cones, Premium Vanilla Sandwiches, Reese's Bars, Strawberries And Cream Bars, Cookies And Cream Bars, Toasted Almond Bars, Candy Center Crunch Bars, Triple Chocolate Brownies, Premium Sundaes Sundaes Sundaes, Giant Ice Cream Sandwiches, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Giant Neopolitan Sandwiches, Chocolate Chip Cookie Sandwiches, Succulent Swiss Quintuple-Smooth Faux-Cream Triple Milk-Chocolate Frogs, Candied Frozen Yogurt Balls, Cherry Whipped Cream Mousse Balls, Fudge-Wrapped Dark Chocolate Semi-Malted Air-Puffed Peanut-Butter And Almond Honey-Soaked Frozen Barnacles On A Stick.
Uh… one barnacle, please.
|
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14. |
||||
The next song is a little weird, cause
I wrote it as if I were a nine-year-old girl
It's from an old band of mine called Girlband
But don't panic, Mom, it's rated G… honest
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15. |
Braces
03:02
|
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Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
It's field trip day, I've waited all week
Johnny sit here, I saved you a seat
We're on the bus and we're riding along
But something's wrong
I can't kiss you cause I have braces
It doesn't matter how sweet your face is
I have metal in all the wrong places
No I can't kiss you cause I have braces
Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
I'm such a dork, I feel so dumb
This never would have happened but I sucked my thumb
And you're so tall, and your hair's so wild
But I'm afraid to smile
I can't kiss you cause I have braces
It doesn't matter how sweet your face is
I have metal in all the wrong places
No I can't kiss you cause I have braces
Blah, blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
It's always something and it's so unfair
I just know I've got a bunch of spinach stuck in there
I sit by the phone and wait for your call
But you won't
And it's all the orthodontist's fault
All his fault
All his fault
All his fault
I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth
I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth
I got metal metal metal metal in my mouth
Metal metal metal metal in my mouth
I got metal metal metal metal
Metal metal metal metal, ahhh
I can't kiss you cause I have braces
It doesn't matter how sweet your face is
I have metal in all the wrong places
I can't kiss you cause…
I can't kiss you cause I have braces
[blah blah blah blah]
[metal metal metal metal in my mouth]
It doesn't matter how sweet your face is
[blah blah blah blah]
[metal metal metal metal in my mouth]
I have metal in all the wrong places
[blah blah blah blah]
[metal metal metal metal in my mouth]
I can't kiss you cause I have braces
|
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16. |
Halloween
03:14
|
|||
The night is dark and real spooky
Ghosts in the streets, black cats on the prowl
Batman's chasing Joker, there's Martians in the fields
Up above I hear a hoot - is that an owl?
Bad boys smashing pumpkins, goblins throwing darts
I can hear the beating of Dracula's cold heart
If I didn't know better, I'd flee this scary scene
But there's no need to panic, it's only Halloween
I've come for candy, don't you think I'm cute?
I'm walking 'round the neighborhood filling up this bag of loot
Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah
But I don't want your fruit
I'm on the porch, of Mrs. Pendergrass
Mrs. P says to me, who's that behind the mask
I say yeahahahahaha! and that makes her scream
Didn't mean to scare you lady, don't you know it's Halloween
I've come for candy, that's why I'm in this suit
I'm trick-or-treating and you're supposed to give me loot
Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah
But I don't want no fruit
We creep up to the haunted house, it moans and creaks like all get out
The porch has got a witch's broom, there's candles lit in every room
Don't leave me alone in here, I think I might explode with fear
Hey, where did everybody go? C'mon you guys, this isn't funny
I really need to pee, c'mon, I'll give you some of my chocolate
And suddenly the lights come on, there's a party here, should go till dawn
I really hope my dad and mom, will let me stay here where I belong
It's Halloween, and we gotta stay awake oh yeah
Hey it's all about candy, yeah I know I'm cute
All 'round the neighborhood I've been collecting loot
Snickers are my favorite, M&Ms are great, oh yeah
But I don't want no fruit
I don't want your fruit
I want your Hershey's, I want your Reese's
Don't care if my teethes, fall to pieces
I want your Twinkies, I want your Milk Duds
I want your candy
Happy Halloween!
|
||||
17. |
||||
I can't find my penguin!
If you cauterize that ointment with Aunt Claudia's broccoli casserole and follow the flatulence to its logical cartography while juggling your earwax, spam and mangos will erupt from my nephew's upper left Baio brother.
Why can't I smell my elbows?
I've discovered Pluto!
You must stop shouting Down With Nastiness, you're making yourself over-irrigated and I can taste the mustard your brother-in-law spilled on his pedal-pushers.
This nacho cheese has no linoleum.
Why do all my staplers vote for Albanians?
I think rutabegas make excellent recreational vehicles, not to mention party favors.
Can Malibu Barbie get a part in the next Sharon Osbourne docu-drama about left-handed Ukranian mambo enthusiasts who find themselves suddenly expurgated in coleslaw?
Paraguay!
My mother can beat up twenty-six of your fastest non-alcoholic tricycle wheels with one spatula tied behind her esophagus.
If your pinecone sugarloaf threatens my Parcheesi one more time I'll never stop articulating triumphant etudes on your camel's googelplex.
Ick!
Vomitous masses yearning to congratulate each other's uvulas!
This chunky peanut butter isn't nearly chunky enough!
It's the great pacific garbage patch, Charlie Brown!
Will someone scratch my squirrel?
Delousing hamsters reverses tooth-decay in laboratory earmuffs.
I invited the Schwarzeneggers, but they brought Hawaiian Punch without marshmallows so I made them stand in the phone booth up to their knees in lime jello until one of them could properly whistle the Belgian national anthem without masticaing.
Nitwits are sandblasting my pajamas!
Can't you see I need oatmeal?
What is the point of vanilla cough syrup, in today's recidivist economy?
Or meat?
I think I swallowed my face.
A shoeless man with no money wants to buy my motorcycle.
You got eggshells in my Strawberry Quick!
My igloo isn't broadband compatible!
Where did you put my toejam collection?
Try hand towels now and then why don't you?
I can't believe Cousin McQuigley got expunged for invertebrate eggplants!
This silly putty isn't nearly silly enough!
I want everyone on the left side of the room to stay on the left side of the room. Now!
Do you think these pants make my cat look fructose-injected?
Circuitous meatloaf!
I can really taste the Chutney!
Ow! My spork!
|
||||
18. |
||||
This next song is like
Really gross, I mean
Really really gross, but kids think it's great
They wanna hear it over and over again
I know you won't like it, Mom
But what can I say, it just hit me one day
So don't listen, Mom, if you hate booger jokes… sorry!
|
||||
19. |
Brown Booger
03:11
|
|||
Most disgusting song ever recorded, take six...
Boy, the food at this place is really terrible!
This'll be a quick meal.
This is absolutely gross!
That boy is a P-I-G pig!
Flush it down the toilet, okay, and flush it a couple of times...
Ewwwwww!
Third grade recess on the playing field
Joey's got no lunch, but it's no big deal
He's pickin' his nose, thinkin' he's out of sight
See him pick a big one, just about bite-sized
Awwwww!
He says, brown booger, how come you taste so good?
Gross!
That's disgusting!
Did you eat?
Brown booger, just like a booger should now
You gonna finish that?
Yeah, I'm gonna finish it.
Cause if you're not gonna finish it I would eat it,
but if you're gonna eat...
Say the word and I'll give you a piece.
Little Joey's teacher well her jaw just drops
Lady of the lunch wonders where it's gonna stop
She gives him a sandwich and a blueberry pie
But Joey keeps a-diggin', middle finger this time
Blech!
He says, brown booger, how come you taste so good now?
Gross!
Awww!!
Nice mouth!
Brown booger, just like a booger should, now, yeah
We're mutants! There's something wrong with us,
something very very wrong with us!
That kid'll eat anything!
Must be hungry.
Something seriously wrong with us!
Here's proof... his nose is cold.
Now, didn't your mama teach you anything?
If you're gonna eat your boogers buddy don't be seen
I'm no schoolboy but I know what I hate
You should have seen the size of what he ate
The size of a Buick.
Wow!
Brown booger, how come you taste so good now?
Awww, brown booger, just like a booger should now...
I can't believe you're eating this!
You know what your problem is?
You don't chew your food, that's why you
get so irritable with people. You could get mumps...
Oh...
I said yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwww!
Mmmmm!
That one tasted like Cracker Jack!
How come you... how come you taste so good?
I said yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwwwww!
You can taste mine if I can taste yours.
Ooooo... okay!
Just like a, just like a booger should
Yeah, yeah, yeah, ewwww!
Oh look, I'm gonna roll it in my fingers
and then toss it at you
This one tastes like pepperoni!
Pepperoni!
Yeah! From the nose-meister!
I think I touched my brain!
If I find a gooey one, I wait for later,
and then I get a crunchy one, and then
I mix 'em.
Yeah, I save 'em behind my ear.
Ooo, that's a good idea.
Have you ever mixed it with your earwax?
Have I? I invented that!
Oh! Extra points! Blood!
Mmm... slimy.
Mmm... salty.
Have you ever microwaved them?
No!
Mmmm!
|
Steve Goodie Nashville, Tennessee
For as long as songwriters and musicians have been plying their creative wares, it's been understood that music is a funny business. For comedian/songwriter Steve Goodie, a slight twist might be more apt: "Funny is a music business."
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