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Top Ten Songs That Steve Has Come Up With Since His Last CD (plus 6 more​!​)

by Steve Goodie

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1.
On Jupiter There's A Hurricane 02:24
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Did you know that On Jupiter there's a hurricane, it's been blowing for 400 years It's bigger than, the whole earth, but it's just a little red spot when we look at it from here And it blasts and it blows and it spins around No towns to destroy, nothing to knock down And no one hears the roar, cause no one is around And no one dies cause there's no life to be found And it's all liquid and gas, there is no ground On Jupiter there's a hurricane, it's been blowing for 400 years In the clouds it's about 200 below At the center of the planet it's 40,000 degrees It's all hydrogen where the surface should be But the pressure makes it a hydrogen sea And liquified hydrogen is no place for me No liquified hydrogen is no place for anyone else to be If you're a carbon-based life-form like me On Jupiter there's a hurricane, it's been blowing for 400 years So what's the point being a hurricane, on a planet with no people to drench with rain Well maybe it's just more fun that way, it fills the endless 10-hour days And that's why it keeps on going, no sign that it is slowing The huge storm keeps on blowing But isn't it interesting that humans like me think things can only have a purpose if they affect humansÖ like, why should ANYthing exist unless it's about ME? How ethnocentric are we? Or species-centric? Maybe it's good that there are no humans... On Jupiter there's a hurricane, it's been blowing for 400 years
2.
Food Food Food 02:37
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I'm going to the store for Food food food foo-f-foo-food JELLO! Food food food foo-f-foo-food MEATLOAF! Food food food foo-f-foo-food BROCCOLI! Food food food foo-f-foo-food I forgot to make a list Everybody else is so much more organized than this I donít know where my glasses are Let alone what Iím going to want to eat on Thursday... Free samples, they keep offering me Iím pigging out all day for free Toothpicks scattered round so far and wide Bacon wrapped teeny weenie pickled pigs feet deep-fried Cleanup on aisle five, thereís a Gatorade spill a mile wide I gotta get across to the other side, and all that sugar makes my shoes go Phlup phlup phlup phlup Why can't all stores be laid out the same? I mean they do manage to all put the milk way at the back Produce to the left of me, bakery to the right Here I am, stuck in the checkout behind an guy writing a check with five thousand coupons He's got some coupons so he'll save on asparagus, save on asparagus And some radishes, but mostly asparagus Check me out with a scanner I wanna check myself out really fast I bought bananas that arenít quite ripe But scanners hate produce, so Iíve got to type Uh, bananas are 4011 Please place item on scanner, please re-scan item, please re-scan item Please place item in the bagging area, please go f yourself Please insert card. Do not remove card! Do not remove card! Do not remove card! Beeep REMOVE YOUR CARD NOW!! REMOVE YOUR CARD NOW!! REMOVE IT NOW OR IT WILL EXPLODE!! REMOVE YOUR CARD NOW!! Paper or plastic, paper or plastic, Iíll just tuck it in my underwear elastic That should hold it tightly, you can't tell me the bulge is unsightly That would be body-shaming Say, is that twenty pounds of meat in your pocket or Price check on personal moisturizer I need a price check on personal moisturizer Bob, how much is the extra large vagisil, no the 64 ounce, the really big one I forgot the Froot Loops, I forgot the ham I forgot the soda, I forgot the jam From store to car, car to cabinet, the whole stupid process is much too elaborate And when I look in the fridge, what do I see, it's last weekís expired meat Aww, that stinks, Iím trashiní it, forget shopping, Iím door dashiní it Hello, I'd like to order some Food food foo-f-foo-food Would you deliver it to my door please Thank you Food food food food food food food
3.
I'll Hold Your Hair While You Hurl 03:08
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So you're out with the girls, working up a sweat Pedaling and drinking like good bachelorettes Woo'ing and screaming with a penis hat on But inside you're sad, thinking this is all wrong Maybe you're not sure about your fiancee, you're having jitters and doubts Maybe he's not so hot, and this is how you work it out Well it's simple, it'll come down to eight little words Will he hold your hair while you hurl Darlin, will he hold your hair, when you've had too much Will he hold your hair, while you yak it all up I don't know a lot, but if you'd be my girl Baby I'll hold your hair while you hurl Is he the one, how can you be sure When you've had three too many and the world is a blur You've been mixing tequila with Budweiser And this here pedal-tavern is a damn tilt-a-whirl Sure he's got a job, and a real big truck Oh he knows how to fish, and he knows how to... clean a fish But will he whisper those eight little words Baby I'll hold your hair while you hurl No darlin, I'll hold your hair, when you've had too much You drank it all down, now you yak it all up Cause you'd do the same if our roles were reversed And before you ask me, no I won't hold your purse But I'll kneel with you at the bowl, when you're my girl And I'll hold your hair while you hurl Yeah darlin, while you hurl Get it all up, while you hurl Better out than in, yeah baby
4.
All My Favorite Clothes Are Falling Apart 02:16
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All my favorite clothes are falling apart Of all my clothes, it's the ones I hate That don't have holes, they're in good shape That ugly sweater with the big reindeer I only wear that once a year But my favorites are in heavy rotation Hence their steady disintegration Holy Moses thereís holes in my clothes-es One of my elbows shows, itís poking through like a big old nose Holy thread-count, I'm wearing my own hand-me-downs My pants are all see-thru, I'm down to half a shoe And my socks just gotta hang in there (come on fellas!) And donít get me started on my underwear When my favorite clothes are falling apart Should I put on a bathrobe and head to Wal-Mart Itís full of holes like I said before But thatís expected at the big box storeÖ at midnight Oh youíre all fancy buying new clothes at the Wal-Mart! No... actually, when I finally do replace clothes, here's where I go On the first Saturday of the month I do all my shopping at once Cause everythingís half-price at Goodwill And I don't mind a few mice, or a couple million lice Eww... ok everybody scratch! Scratch on, scratch off, I scratched a hole right through the back of my britches Now the moon will come out tomorrow Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow itíll see the sun Holy crap would you look at that, I tore myself a new one All my clothes clothes clothes are falling apart What? Falling apart No! Falling apart Holy cow! Holy Moses thereís holes in my clothes-es I'm showing so much skin, I'm practically a Kardashian Holy Jesus everythingís falling to pieces My shirts are like swiss cheeses, my pants are full of fleas-es And last yearís halloween Reeseís, and several species' feces... eww! Come on old clothes, give me one more day And donít get me started on my lingerie
5.
Mobile Trash Unit 02:39
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Her apartment is pristine, every room is clean clean clean Everything is in its place, perfect use of perfect space Sheís organized and functional, fastidious and punctual So itís incredible though she's obsessed with cleanliness What a nightmare of disgusting crap her purple prius is Itís her mobile trash unit, itís a dump on wheels Itís an oil spill in a landfill, itís roadkill on an anthill Itís her mobile trash unit Coffee cups, Slurpee cups, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up Mascara, lipstick, eye-liner, cover-up Glitter glitter glitter glitter glitter glitter glitter glitter Glitter! Sports bra, tennis shoes, yoga pants, cowboy boots Phone charger, ice scraper, community college psych paper Hair brush, sunscreen, Seventeen magazine Candy wrappers, gum wrappers, Triscuits and Ritz crackers A gallon of hand sanitizer Her favorite coconut avocado watermelon tangerine mango moisturizer Bubblegum lip-gloss, wild cherry lip-gloss, strawberry lip-gloss Venti mocha almond fudge high-octane decaf non-dairy non-fat extra cool whip double-shot of espresso lip-gloss... with glitter Months-old receipts Several hundred samples from Clinique Groceries from last week Like a quart of milk thatís begun to reek And stinky mystery luncheon meat I mean Iíve heard of olive loaf but this is ridiculous Crumbs and nuts and cigarette butts Curly fries and pizza crust Icky sticky moldy jelly donuts Under the seat, under the seat She's a slob when she eats, so there's all kinds of treats Under the seat This is the part about tampons Letís skip the part about tampons Cause thereís no need to pad this song Smelly car, smelly car What has she been eating in you Itís her mobile trash unit Itís a dump on wheels Itís an oil spill in a landfill Itís roadkill on an anthill A bunch of hazmat in some oatmeal With guacamole and banana peels Can't see through the damn windshield Cause itís her mobile trash unit And her boyfriendís apartment is much much worse
6.
The Starbucks Song 01:35
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I need my coffee, I need my coffee, I need my coffee bad The Starbucks lady wants to know my name To write it on my coffee cup And since she'll have to yell it out in a few minutes I like to make stuff up Okay I got a Grande latte for Christian Rock Does anybody know any Christian Rock? They get pretty slammed at the Starbucks They don't really register That name on the cup when they ring it up At the register I got a Venti Americano for P.P. Burns Hey, who's P.P. Burns? They think they know my name at the Starbucks But I don't think they do And if you think I'm obnoxious at the counter You should see me in the drive-thru I got a Tall Blonde Roast for Kitty Litter Kitty Litter please drive aroundÖ hello? They won't let me back in the Starbucks They say I'm a jerk and a creep So when I want a Starbucks coffee I gotta go to the one across the street Hey I got an Espresso Con Panna for Jenny Taylya Where's my Jenny Taylya? C'mon!
7.
Ten Seconds Of The Updated French National Anthem Backwards 00:10
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Hey, you figure it out
8.
Waitress 01:48
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Every night you deal with drunken jerks It's your job to make them think that Everything they say is hilarious And to keep them buying food and drinks Laugh at their stupid inappropriate jokes Bite your tongue and both your lips Cause the club pays you $2.13 an hour And you need these idiots' tips So laugh when you feel like screaming Smile while deep down inside You'd like to disembowel them Stuff their face in a toilet, then Smack them with the towel you used half an hour ago to wipe up that other guy's puke And smile smile smile And I promise you one day you'll get To your eighty-seventh birthday And you'll pay off your student debt
9.
A Familiar Ring 02:07
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Hi, I'm tech support, putting you on hold all day and I don't care I'm a tik tok video that says wait for it and then doesn't go anywhere I'm people ghosting you and treating you like crap on their shoe Cause you need life more than life needs you Does this have a familiar ring, does it remind you of anything Yes, I'm your ex who was just bored and waited for you to dump him eventually I'm your life and basically everything I'm Kaiser, I'm Cigna, I'll insure your health Just pay your full deductible and go f yourself I'll forget you and ignore you like you don't exist And if you don't like the system you're a communist Does this have a familiar ring, does it remind you of anything I'm your cat who only lets you live because you clean out the catbox and for the food you bring I'm your life and basically everything You wait in line while I waste your time Enjoy guns and religion, hope for remission while the politicians Transition into sedition and highly organized organized crime We don't like it when sports teams change their name We don't like peaceful kneeling in the name of change We like to complain and complain and complain Want everything to stay the same stay the same Cause it worked for us when you worked for us And that's why you're to blame, hey Um, I was enjoying the song and then it got to the bridge which became complicated and loud and now I don't understand what's going on anymore Oh no, oh no, oh no no no no no Does this have a familiar ring, does it remind you of anything I really am your ex who was just blowing you off until you dumped her because she was too much of a coward to end it herself and she probably thought she was letting you down easy but come on who are we kidding And yes this song has a familiar ring, cause I was listening to Garfunkel And Oates just before I wrote it, full disclosure, and it also reminds me of the song from The Big Bang Theory that Howard sang to Bernadette in quarantine Cause this is your life and it's basically everything
10.
What Kyle Did Was Legal 00:59
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Hey tiktok, so Kyle Rittenhouse is not guilty? Hey tiktok So what Kyle did was legal, apparently Blew away some people, skateboard versus AR-15 Which by the way he was too young to own legally Cause oh this old judge is a douche bag Kyle's a cry baby, thinks he's the victim here Somehow the jury, believed his mock-a-trial tears Shooting people, like he's after ducks or deer Did I mention the judge is a douche bag
11.
Yappy Dog 02:37
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My neighbors' wiener dog yaps all night long So to keep from killing him I wrote him a song He goes, then he goes, he takes a breath and then he goes Why'd they have to get a yappy wiener dog When there are so many sweet-demeanor dogs He goes, then he goes, can't they hear this? Yappy dog, yappy dog, yappy dog, yappy dog You're a demonic pup, like satan threw up, I wish you would shut up I'm my in bed, with pillows over my head, I need you to shut up I don't know what you're yelling about, but you're awfully loud, I wish you would shut up Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up I'm not violently inclined, but I'm losing my mind, why can't you just shut up Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up Why canít they go get a nice quiet mutt A real dog goes bow wow or ruff ruff ruff None of this pathetic psycho yappy stuff A real dog goes arf arf or howls at the moon Hey shut up your face or youíll be cat food soon Shut up, silence, shekket b'vakasha, shut up I think I might have to go down to Wal-Mart and get me a gun From what I understand there's a good selection Plus I'll get a box of ammunition This is what it means to be American Hello Dachshund my old friend, I think you might fit in the blender Coulda got a collie or a basset hound Nope a one note yap-dog is what they found This is incredibly annoying I've got one bullet left Don't make me come over there I'm serious! Kyle! Now I don't have to write a song after all What? I missed? Oh brother...
12.
Adam And Steve 02:46
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Marriage is between one man and one woman Read your bible, have faith, believe, and shut up God loves you, that's why you're an abomination that must be fixed Cause it was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve We've all heard this stupid slogan It's gross and it's mean and it's wrong (and it's stupid) And while fighting against it, I've been convinced it Was all about me all along If it was Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve Then I guess I don't exist Cause my little brother's name is Adam, and I'm Steve So I'm even more existentially pissed He's even more existentially pissed So if you're wondering why I turned out so weird Maybe it's because my parents were so anti-homophobic that they unconsciously made me and my brother the poster siblings for tolerance without consulting us, and as a result I, Steve, have taken on the role of The Entire Problem and frankly that's EXHAUSTING! (I mean that's exhausting) So I'm a sensitive and confused hetero white male with issues Poor poor me! Hey let's all sing! If it was Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve Then I guess I don't exist Cause my little brother's name is Adam (true story) So I'm even more existentially pissed He's even more existentially pissed Sara: Hey Uncle Steve... Steve: Hey SaraI Hey everybody, it's my niece! What's going on Sara? Sara: I just wanted to say, I think it's awesome that even though you and my dad are Adam and Steve, neither of you is gay... so checkmate homophobes! The slogan doesn't mean what you think it means! But of course, I'm gay, so maybe it skips a generation? Steve: Hmmmm... I'm not sure... but hey, shall we sing the chorus again? Yeah! If it was Adam and Eve and not Adam and Steve Then I guess I don't exist Cause my little brother's name is Adam (true story) So I'm even more existentially pissed I think it goes all the way back to my bris The party of smaller government says cease and desist Now if you say gay they get their panties in a twist Uh, separation of church and state? Have you heard of that, ya nitwits? And hey, how did my name get mixed up in your bigoted bulls***? Now Iím even more existentially pissed Heís even more existentially pissed Hey Florida... GAY!
13.
Delta Spawn 00:32
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Delta spawn, delta spawn Damn we thought this crap was gone Could it be we're heading back to quaranti-i-i-ine Now the governors of red states Have gone and outlawed mask mandates Seems to me the GOP wants us to die (including kids) I'm sure glad I got my full vacci-i-i-ine
14.
We Love You Gilbert 01:52
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We love you Gilbert, I hope you know We hear you Gilbert, where did you go Knowing you, you went a little too far That's who you are Dear Gilbert, please come back We miss your voice, we miss your quack What will we do without your amazing colossal podcast You aristocrat Oh Gilbert this time you've gone too far Of course it had to be you who died, and not Dice or Dennis Miller, yuck Just kidding, but you knew that, that's who you are You've gone much too far
15.
Back To The USSR 02:33
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Flew into Odessa on my way to Kiiv No we didn't pick this fight But we gotta make some Russians turn around and leave So weíre keeping Putin up at night Go back to the USSR. you've gone a little too far, boy Go back to the USSR We knew you'd come along and try to grab this place Like a pasty-faced Stalin clone But we've rallied our resistance right up in your face Comrade take your butt back home Go back to the USSR, you don't know how gutsy we are, boy Go back to the US... hey take your BS... back to the USSR Our Ukraine kids'll push your soldiers out They'll kick your red behind You Moscow turd, go on and scream and pout You must have lost your freaking my my my my my my my my mind Go back to the USSR, you psycho wannabe czar, boy Go back to the USSR Our Ukraine kids have got a lot of clout And you've done crossed the line We can't just wait and see how this plays out We know Norway's on your my my my my my my my my mind We'll show you where the exit is, way out east Your supply-lines are running thin We're gonna have the last laugh on the communeests Cause Zelensky's a comedian Go back to the USSR, we know what a butthead you are boy Go back to the USSR
16.
That Vladimir 00:25
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That Vladimir's a real big jerk who puts his nipples on display But our VLODOMIR is a real tough dude when the missles head our way We've got a nice democracy here, we won't let it go back in time That Vladimir's a real big jerk, and we're gonna make him resign, oh yeah And he's already a punchline
17.
Mobile Trash Unit - Live 02:47
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about

Ok... is this pandemic over yet? A lot of people seem think so. Steve's not so sure... so here's some brand new stuff for 2022, to listen to while we try to figure it all out...

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released July 15, 2022

All instruments, mixing and mastering by Steve Goodie

All songs are by me alone, except:
01 and 04: Steve Goodie, Bethany Hill, and Bill Warrington
05: Steve Goodie, Samee Cannon, Bethany Hill, and Bill Warrington
10: a parody of "Fly Like An Eagle" by Steve Miller, with my new lyrics
13: a parody of "Delta Dawn" by Larry Collins and Alex Harvey, with new lyrics by me
15: a parody of "Back In The USSR" by Lennon and McCartney, with new lyrics by me and John Trentes
16: a parody of "Her Majesty" by Lennon and McCartney, with new lyrics by me

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Steve Goodie Nashville, Tennessee

For as long as songwriters and musicians have been plying their creative wares, it's been understood that music is a funny business. For comedian/songwriter Steve Goodie, a slight twist might be more apt: "Funny is a music business."

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