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Welcome to Stupid Country

by Steve Goodie

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1.
The NASCAR Song 02:12
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Russell watched TV after his high school graduation Three solid months of ESPN Till his daddy told him son, that's the end of your vacation Go get a job, or we're gonna charge you rent So Russell got a job, got fired that same day A cashier he wasn't meant to be He went back to the couch, turned on the race And he said, hot damn, now that's the job for me So Russell got a loan and went to NASCAR school Where the future NASCAR drivers learn the one big NASCAR rule Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight This ain't rocket science, you can learn it in one day Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight It's just like brain surgery if you take the brain away Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Drive round and round and round and round and later you get paid Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Drive round and round and round and round and later you get l… lots of money Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight This ain't English Lit, you don't gotta write a thesis But if you make a wrong turn you're going right to Jesus So go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight Go straight, take a left, take a left, go straight Take a left, take a left, go straight etc.
2.
Where Would I Be Without Me 03:34
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There's one extra-special person who's always there for me My rock, my inspiration, oh it's true The one who stands beside me, lifts me when I fall I owe it all to someone, and that someone is… me Where would I be without me I'm the only one who's never let me down you see From the moment when I wake up, till I lay me down to sleep I'd like to say thank you… thank you to me You know life can be so busy, we never find the time To tell the ones we love the way we feel Now I can't let that happen, I won't wait till it's too late To take the opportunity to say… Where would I be without me I'm the only one who's always there, indubitably I get spurned and burned each time I've turned to cold humanity I'd like to say thank you to me There's just one set of footprints Behind me in the sand I used to wonder what that meant But now I understand Where would I be without me No need to inherit the earth, I never want to be that meek If God helps those who help themselves, hey holy crap that's me! I just want to say thank you, I'd like to tell me thank you Just want to say thank you… thank you to me This is a big shout out to yours truly… I love you man! And I will always love me I light up my life I am so beautiful to me
3.
Handlin' My Mandolin 02:53
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I've played in lots of bands, never got a second glance It's a sad sad circumstance, you'll agree Cause I play this little mandolin, and I always get left standing when The girls rush all my bandmates, and not me… it's sad… until tonight, that is… I can see her from the stage, and she likes the way I play She's watchin' me watch her dance in those pants she's in… she wants me… She wants to get me all alone, for a private show of her own Cause she knows I put the man in mandolin And she likes the way I'm handlin' my mandolin She likes the song I sing, and my extra-tight bluejeans She's a country music fan, come to see my band again Cause she likes the way I'm handlin' my mandolin Even when a girl's a good 'un, she might do some things she shouldn't She's like a tiger in a zoo who's busted through her cage… meow When an innocent southern belle gets an excuse to cut loose and raise some hell She'll borrow, beg and steal to get backstage... bless her heart Cause she likes the way I'm handlin' my mandolin She's on the Trace Adkins diet, I'm a-gonna have to try it She's a country music fan, come to see my band again Cause she likes the way I'm handlin' my mandolin Now I know I'm no virtuoso Yeah I know there's those who play way better Still after the show, if she wants to rosin up my bow Well I think I'm gonna let her Cause she's scramblin' to be handlin' my mandolin… yee haw! My pickin's finger-lickin', and she done come 'round sniffin' And I'm betting you would love the shoes I'm standin' in Cause she likes the way I'm handlin' my mandolin And later when we're alone, she might slide up my trombone Cause she likes the way I'm handlin' my mandolin Yeah she likes the way I'm handlin' my mandolin
4.
Sweat the Small Stuff 03:11
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When I called collect to say I'd wrecked her new Beemer, my baby was cool And she didn't get ticked when I went and picked the wrong kid up from school And she didn't get bent when I gave her best friend's rear end a little goose But one time I left the seat up, man did I get beat up, I mean all hell broke loose You gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, sweat it night and day The big things may perturb her, but it's the little bitty ones that'll blow you away Set the house on fire, blow out all her tires No need to perspire when you do But you gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, yeah you gotta if you wanna muddle through When I ran over, the cat with the mower she said “one down and eight to go” And she let me slide watching Girls Gone Wild, hell she helped me figure out the TiVo When I said “you look as good, as an old lady could,” well she handled that just fine But find a crumb on the sofa and it's Girls Gone Postal, yeah she just about lost her mind You gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, sweat it all day long The devil's in the details, and that's where you'll go wrong Space her birthday out, flirt with a girl scout Don'tcha worry about that goat But you gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, yeah you gotta if you wanna stay afloat She stood before the TV, blocking out my bigscreen Saying, “Do I look fat in this dress?” Just then we scored a touchdown and I nearly knocked my beer down When I jumped up and screamed “yes!!!” You gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, that's what it's all about The devil's in the details, and he likes to watch you sweat it out Bring home an STD, hey, BFD Don'tcha see that's forgiveable son But you gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, yeah you gotta if you wanna get along Fill her porcelain tub with your homemade drugs And she'll clean up the meth (oh yeth) But you gotta sweat the small stuff buddy, it's a point that really can't be overstressed Unless you want your Hummer repossessed She could lop off what you got when you're undressed So don'tcha look at any other lady's chest
5.
I Need a Parking Spot 02:27
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I got a job in LA, and I don't want to be late Cause today I get paid, so I hit the freeway in my Primer-gray, Korean-made, hot Chevrolet (it's called a Geo) But then an hour I waste, cause there's no parking space Within a mile of the place, where I am going Is there some way, today, L.A. Let me out of my car, I need somewhere to park So I can get to work before dark It's asking a lot, but do I got a shot at one parking spot And if a spot comes my way, then I got to pay If I want it to stay where I put it cause They say they may tow it away (at owner's expense) So I can meet their demands, or take my life in my hands Park the car in gangland, and leave it someplace where it Could be attacked, whacked, ransacked, and more compact If I ever get it back Let me out of my car I think I see a nice spot over thar (Nope, it's handicapped) I can't disregard the blue wheelchair It's asking a lot, but do I got a shot at one damn parking spot I paid for tags and title, they won't even let me idle This town is one big parking lot So why can't I find one little parking spot Lovely Rita, oh I'd love to meet her Just so I could beat her With an all day L.A. tow-away parking meter Damn, let me out of my car, before I need a new calendar Gotta make way for the street-clean-ar They clean it a lot, my God it's a plot, to take my parking spot I need a parking spot
6.
I Opened Up My Heart (And My Brain Fell Out) 03:25
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The first time that I saw her, I fell down on my knees I wished I'd tied my laces, I wished my wine and cheese Had somehow stayed upon my platter, like the other party guests' Instead of splattering her pretty dress She helped me to my two left feet, through my apologies She smiled as though merlot is just what every Prada needs I said, “You just can't make tea anywhere, I mean take me anywhere No what I mean to say, is have we ever met tefore bidet?” I opened up my heart, and my brain fell out I used to be so smart, so what's this all about I'm suddenly a simpleton in a flood of fear and doubt I opened up my heart, and my brain fell out I babbled on and on and on, and on until she said “You're just too cute,” she touched my cheek, and I felt my face turn red She said to me, “Do you believe in true love at first sight?” I said, “I think I well I guess yes sure I think I might” I opened up my heart, and my brain fell out I could not find the part that controls my motor mouth If she thought me a simpleton, I removed all doubt I opened up my heart, and my brain fell out We decided to take a walk, and leave the noisy crowd I tried to keep my witless words from coming out, out loud But the more I said, the more she grinned, and it occurred to me Could this be the way love's supposed to be? She opened up my heart, and my brain fell out Now I've gotten smart, for ten years just about I'm still that love-struck simpleton, that she can't live without She opened up my heart, and my brain fell out
7.
You're Better Off With Me 03:10
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He can give you a big fine house to live in He can give you fancy clothes and jewelry He can give you a brand new car, each day of the week And that's why you're better off with me He can take you to all of those exclusive parties He can give you stocks and bonds and security He can give you everything, your mama says you need And that's why you're better off with me He can dress you up like a fairy princess He can show you how to act and how to speak (and how to think) He can make you the pretty picture perfect, trophy of his dreams And that's why you're better off with me He's safe and he's solid I'm loud and I'm squalid He's the perfect gentleman But can he let you win at Scrabble without letting you know he let you win? Can he give you real love and real passion Can he make you laugh till the tears run down your cheeks Can he love the real woman you are, and sweep you off your feet? That's why you're better off with me Can he give you real love and real passion (I don't think so) Can he make you laugh till the tears run down your cheeks (That guy? Uh, no.) Can he love the real woman you are, and sweep you off your feet? (Ha!) Well that's why you're better off (Ha ha!) Well that's why you're better off with That's why you're better off with me
8.
Why Does It Take So Long (To Record A 3-Minute Song) 02:35
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I've written the world's greatest song, I put my whole heart in it It rhymes so good, and like it should be it's precisely three minutes So why does it take so long, to record a three-minute song? Just turn the microphone on, I want to record my damn song I'd like to walk on in, say hi, hello, and then cut the chatter, get the show on the road Would it be an imposition, would it be so tough, to have the headphones working and the mics set up? Oh why does it take so long, to record a three-minute song? I've been playing three chords all day long, I just want to record my damn song Now the band knows the song, and they're playing along Can we please punch in if I get a note wrong? Or maybe I'll keep it simple, just guitar and voice This song'll go platinum, but I gotta record it foyst So why does it take so long, who's running the board, Cheech and Chong? When we're done you can fire up that bong, but first I'd like to record my damn song Now everyone's got a studio in their basement But do they know a thing about microphone placement? And computers are great, I love integrated circuits But I don't want to wait, while you learn how to work it I got a question: How many producers does it take to change a lightbulb? Um… One! Oh… Why does it take so long, to record a three-minute song? I'll have grandchildren before long, I just want to record my damn song I'm so proud of my song, and I want the world to hear it But waiting for pro-tools to boot up, I kinda lose the spirit It'll get lots of airplay all around the nation Once you figure out the plug-ins in your new workstation Oh why does it take so long, to record a three-minute song? Another hour of my life gone, I want to record my damn song
9.
Take It Back (The Wal-Mart Song) 02:35
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Uncle Junior's getting married, it's a big surprise to us (Jack) We're invited to the wedding, and we need new clothes 'n stuff We ain't got no money, since Daddy got hisself fired (Jack) But you can bet your ass we got a tank of gas and a brand new credit card, and we're go ing to WalMart, they got all the crap we need They got weddin' clothes and panty-hose and everything's going for free, see We'll whip out that new Visa, with the thousand dollar limit Then we'll bring this crap right on back in half a hillbilly minute They gotta take it back, we get 14 days Put it back on the rack, and they'll roll back what we paid They'll credit our credit card, nine hundred ninety-nine That we spent on the big event, until we changed our mind Changed our mind, changed our mind We went and spent like the government, until we changed our mind Okay, we need six green tuxedos, a croquet set, sixty pounds of potato salad, a bigscreen TV, two outboard motors, twenty gallons of barbeque sauce, a case of Metamucil, a jet-ski, twelve sets of thermal underwear, the Hank Williams Jr. box set, four pogo sticks, a set of lawn darts, a six-foot cheese log, and thirty-five pounds of paprika… See Wally drove Mom and Pop, right out of business Let's hit him where it hurts, hey can I get a witness There's nothing wrong, with making the field level If you're gonna screw someone, hey why not screw the devil, and go to WalMart, hang onto that receipt Take back the dress with the gravy mess, yes that's their policy On Monday morning, everything's gotta go back Is it so wrong to return the thong, that's been up Junior's crack (Jack) (Uh, maybe… oh well) They gotta take it back, we get 14 days Put it back on the rack, and they'll roll back what we paid They'll credit our credit card, before we're late this time We spent it all, had a big ol' ball, and then we changed our mind Changed our mind, changed our mind We spent it all, had a big ol' ball, and then we changed our mind See, this is Uncle Junior's fifth or sixth or seventh wedding… he tends to change his mind too… so this time we're giving him a Chia pet, a set of plungers, and a big ol' box of laundry detergent. Mazel tov, Junior… tag her once for me! Cause just like Wally's customers, Junior tends to change his mind
10.
Loving Her (Is Like Playing At The Bluebird Cafe) 03:23
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Well I finally met, the girl of my dreams She's so lovely, but around her I'm a moron it seems My mind freezes up, when she's looking my way And “b-duh, b-duh, b-duh, b-duh” is all I can say See I get nervous, and I get anxious, I get the jitters, and what's more This feeling is a feeling, I've felt once before There's just one place where I go to pieces this way And that's on the stage, at the Bluebird Café When she is nearby, I'm suddenly onstage With everyone starin', I'm a bear in a cage I forget all those clever things I meant to say Cause loving her is like playing at the Bluebird Café I panic, I get manic, I stutter, and I shake I forget my own name, and I hear my voice break I palpitate, I perspirate, and I lose my toupee Just like open mic, at the Bluebird Café When she is nearby, I'm suddenly onstage My tongue gets all tied up, it will not disengage The lights are so bright, my brain's a soufflé Cause loving her is like playing at the Bluebird Café And I hope for a smile, and her kind endorsement But after three minutes, she calls law enforcement There's millions just like me, all waiting their turn Why should she choose me, when she's got Dan Bern? She's got Schuyler, she's got Knobloch, for a buck she gets Schlitz And golly, there's Dolly, with her great big… hits When she is nearby, I'm suddenly onstage I bravely step up, she says thanks, now go away I forget every rhyme, and each brilliant cliché Cause loving her is like playing at the Bluebird Café And I forgot the three chords that I practiced all day Cause loving her is like playing at the Bluebird Café
11.
Stand By Your Van 02:30
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Sometimes it's hard to park your Hummer Cause your SUV is one big van It drinks so much gas, it makes you bad-ass Dang that thing's gargantuan Other drivers must forgive you Even when their tiny cars get rammed You push and shove them, so far above them Because after all, you know you can So stand by your van We know how much you need it We'll bomb Iraq to feed it Twelve empty seats, are cold and lonely Stand by your van And show the world you earned it We'll go invade Afghanistan So you can stand by your van Stand by your van Four-wheel drive's so necessary The terrain is awful scary On the streets of Pasadena Stand by your van Because you sure deserve it You're one fat-assed American So stand by your van
12.
Thank God I'm A Country Star 01:46
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Well the life of a star is kind of laid back You write a couple songs, cut a couple tracks Buy a big bus with a bar in the back Thank God I'm a country star It's a simple kind of life and it sure is fun Signing autographs and lying in the sun Polishing all the gold records I've won Thank God I'm a country star Well I got four houses and a couple gold fiddles And I'm putting on weight right around the middle Do I have any talent, well maybe just a little Thank God I'm a country star When the work day's done and the sun's sinking low I get out of bed, I can't sleep no more And I drink a little coffee, sniff a little blow Thank God I'm a country star Well my financial situation wasn't doing too well All my darn money had gone straight to hell Brother thank God for Taco Bell And Thank God I'm a country star Well I got four houses and a couple gold fiddles And I'm putting on weight right around the middle Do I have any talent, well maybe just a little Thank God I'm a country star

about

I always knew there was a real stupid country album deep inside me, just waiting to emerge. And now, with the help of all those who inspire it every day right here in Nashville Tennessee, it's finally out! Thanks, ya'll!

Steve was stupid before stupid was cool... as documented here!
This is Steve's first strictly country CD, with twelve goofy, stupid country songs. You'll come for the NASCAR song, but you'll stay for the Mandolin song!

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released January 1, 2008

Produced, engineered, played, and sung by Steve Goodie in Nashville. Yep, Steve did dang near everything!

Backup screaming on 4 by Barbara Dorris
Backup vocals on 11 by Sylvia Mulholland
Pedal steel guitar on 1, 4, 6 and 7 by Ron Sherer
Fiddle on 7 by Tim Lorsch
Fiddle on 12 by Eric Silver

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Steve Goodie Nashville, Tennessee

For as long as songwriters and musicians have been plying their creative wares, it's been understood that music is a funny business. For comedian/songwriter Steve Goodie, a slight twist might be more apt: "Funny is a music business."

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